MODERN STEREOTYPES

The safe pair of hands

James has been asked to dinner on New Year’s Eve “because he is alone”. At least that is how his hostess, Jemima, has forgiven herself for wedging the poor man between Lady Truncheon and Aunt Bunty. James is so kind and indefatigably charming; his stock in trade is indulging the dowagers and the grey spinsters, a rare breed (they are all now empowered Boudiccas) of which Bunty is a gallant relic. Thus he has borne being irradiated by Muriel Truncheon’s views on compost making with equanimity. It is preferable to Brexit, or Deprexit as he calls it, a little joke lost on Aunt Bunty who’s been partially deaf since Nanny dropped her in the coal scuttle. There have been many times during James’s dinner party career that he has regretted the disappearance of the ear trumpet.

Still, the tsunami of Hugo’s champagne and excellent Pomerol – “Dug this 1998 out of dear old Pa’s cellar, it’s what he would have wanted” – has perked up the assembled company who were longing for bed even before they left home. The Chipping Saintly fireworks are tremendously jolly (dogs locked in the soundproof boot room) and Jemima’s fillet of beef has been perfection, the truffle brie a triumph. James, such a safe pair of hands, is plugging the moment between happy indulgence and indigestion with a delightful anecdote about Queen Mary culled from Hugo Vickers. Her own crown bobbing, Lady Truncheon is amused. Really, James is quite the professional spare man, he must come to dinner at Trunch Park.

As midnight strikes, James pats Aunt Bunty’s hand, hopeful that this will not incur the first wrath of #Metoo 2019. He would not dream of touching any particle of Lady Truncheon’s carapace. Instead, his guest popularity requiring an account with the local taxi company, he embraces the Pomerol and the twinkle of hope that the New Year might be happy. Too much, too doubtful except that there will always be a dining table in need of a chap with good manners and who still wears a tie.

His stock in trade is indulging the grey spinsters

Chop the stalk from the head of the broccoli, leaving the florets aside for your dinner ( just use the stalk for this recipe).

Halve the grapefruit and squeeze the juice into a glass, removing any pips.

Peel the ginger and turmeric. Remove the stone from the avocado and scoop the flesh from the skin.

Put all of the prepared ingredients into a blender with the coconut water and blend until very smooth. Top with cacao nibs and/or chilli flakes, if you are feeling fiery!