‘I FEEL GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I’VE GOT’
Tim Southwell, 55
Twenty years ago, when my wife and I had our second child, we moved down to Sussex from London. Having grown up in Haywards Heath, I had lots of good friends who also had young families there and assumed I’d just take up where I left off. I’d see a lot of my pals, we’d meet for drinks at least once a week, watch the football and go for a curry.
But gradually the weekly get-togethers turned into once a month. Golf days turned into dog walks with the family. Then lads’ nights out turned into dinner parties, usually organised by the wives. Then, after a while, the dinner parties started to tail off, probably because we (my wife and I) have let it slip as much as anything else.
Fifteen years later and, despite living around the corner from several lifelong pals, I rarely see them. Back in the day it would have been considered unthinkable not to at least knock on the door and say hello if you were passing. But at some mysterious point, spontaneity in the friend department has become extinct. In fact, turning up on someone’s doorstep unannounced is about as welcome as a nasty letter from the taxman.
People’s lives get more complicated. We’ve got more on our plate: kids, partners… well, that’s about it I guess. But these things require so much attention that it’s easy to jettison thoughts of self.
Now, my best pals are my kids and my wife. which is great because, not only do I love them but hanging out with them is fantastic, I can be as daft with them as I was with my best friends when we were 19.
The trouble is, you can’t talk to your wife and kids about everything. My job is to steer the ship and shout “all clear ahead”, whatever the forecast. I still need good friends, with whom I can be honest. I reckon I have two or three people who I can lean on for advice, a pep talk or simply to have a few drinks with. And that is the beauty of old friends. When I do hook up with my lifelong friends it’s like nothing has changed. There are no pretences, airs or graces, we just slot straight back into it. It might not happen a much as I’d like, but at the end of the day I feel grateful for what I’ve got, not what I think I might have lost.