Ready player mum: how I learnt to appreciate the benefits of gaming
As a new report claims video games can actually help wellbeing, Anna Maxted joins her sons in the virtual world and discovers how parents can turn screen time into a positive experience
‘I’m not sure I relish being terrible, but it is lovely to spend time with my son doing something he enjoys’
Who’d imagine that a parent would feel grateful for video games? But this year, hearing my teenagers laugh and chat with friends on the console while battling, building and surviving was a tonic – a breath of normality. Even when apart, those children were a virtual team. It was invaluable, socially and for morale. Now and then, their uncle in New York would join them for a round of Call of Duty. Surely the definition of heartwarming.
But for two of my boys, gaming squeezed out other pursuits. I didn’t fuss. This autumn, an Ipsos Mori report found that 49 per cent of UK video gamers said playing multiplayer games made them feel happier – and 39 per cent said it made them feel less anxious and isolated. They also found that during lockdown, one in five parents played more video games with their children, educational games included.
In a pre- Christmas survey, consultancy PwC UK found that, with a couple of exceptions, children’s most wanted gifts this year were technology-based: games consoles, phones or tablets. (And by sheer coincidence, four next-generation consoles were launched last month, plus a wealth of games.)
Some parents, especially those new to the gaming scene, may be feeling concerned that their little darlings will barely look up from their console after Christmas morning. It may be a relief to know that another new study of more than 3,000 gamers by the Oxford Internet Institute, University of Oxford, found that video games could have a positive influence on people’s wellbeing. “Contrary to many fears that excessive game time will lead to addiction and poor mental health,” the study’s authors said, “we found a small positive relation between gameplay and well-being.” So as parents, should we continue to stand firm on gaming limits, even in these nerve-shattering times? Or do we join them and beat them? Secretly, I’m hoping that’s not necessary. While my adolescents enjoy the fact their father also likes gaming – as he can watch them play and make knowledgeable comments, such as “He’s an idiot” or “Why aren’t you making any money?” – I’m sure my indifference doesn’t bother them.
Dr Richard Graham, psychiatrist and clinical director of Good Thinking, the digital mental well- being service for London, recalls that when he was a teenager, you rather hoped your music would alienate and offend your parents. It’s similar with gaming, he says.
“There’s a need for it to be different from your world. When parents try to get down with the kids, and know too much, it almost becomes creepy. It’s got to remain their world. They need ownership of it.” That said, some basic knowledge is helpful, he adds. Children want to know you can support them if necessary. “The online world for teenagers is much like a birthday party where they invite all their friends,” he says. “They don’t want you embarrassing them, but they need to know that you’re there if it kicks off or someone goes too far.”
So true. And I suspect if I were to try gaming even once, to show goodwill, they’d find it touching. “Perhaps it’s good for you to show interest, but be a bit disgusted or shocked, so they think, ‘ This is cool, it’s really unsettled Mum!’ It’s absolutely essential that you allow yourself to be patronised,” says Dr Graham. Conrad, my 16-year-old, is amused when I suggest joining him. He’s happy to oblige, but asks if we could play a game called Rocket League privately, not in a team, to protect his ranking.
“Also, you need to be able to use the controller without looking at the buttons,” he warns. Rocket League is essentially a football game where the players are souped-up cars. So you drive like a maniac around a giant futuristic arena and score goals at 100mph. Sadly, I’m so bad at operating the controller, my car spends most of the game in reverse, or ambling past the giant ball. I manage to tap it with my bumper.
“You scored a goal at 8mph,” says Conrad, with pity. I’m not sure I relish being this terrible, but it’s lovely to spend time with my son doing something he enjoys – and while most of the laughs are at my expense, Conrad is very kind and patient.
Caspar, my 13-year-old, invites me to play Among Us, a mobile game. I download the app to my phone, and to my surprise it’s brilliant fun. It’s a quick, virtual whodunnit set on a spaceship, with a mysterious stealthy killer (one of the players, selected at random). Most teens play it on phones with friends. The crew do maintenance work all over the ship while trying to establish the Impostor’s identity before he gets them. When a body is discovered, you meet in the group chat to discuss your suspicions – prompting deceit, denial, accusation and laughter. If you want to bond with your teens via gaming, but keep it short, I recommend Among Us.
However, given that our children’s screen use has ballooned this year – and most of that time isn’t spent playing against Mum – how do we ensure their habits are healthy, and make these digital worlds as positive as possible, not just in terms of providing enjoyment, but also helping them develop? Dr Graham says: “Playing different games and varying your diet of gaming is preferable to that endless loop of trying to improve in a certain game.”
He adds: “Multiplayer gaming, for all the risks of bullying and so on, might be better than single person, consolebased gaming where you’re constrained by the machine [ie playing against AI]. You find out that if you behave a certain way, people are less likely to follow your requests, or if you’re too passive, other people ruin the game for you, because you’re not saying ‘hey, that wasn’t cool.’ All the aspects of friendship and peer relations are played out.”
Young people will grow from dealing
with the social conflicts that naturally arise while gaming, agrees Dr Delaney Ruston, award-winning filmmaker and primary care doctor, and author of Parenting in the Screen Age: A Guide to Calm Conversations. Without being judgmental, parents can “use issues that come up in group gaming as good conversationstarters,” she says. “Parents recognise that for many young people, particularly boys, their ability to hang out with each other over a game has been a positive aspect of gaming.”
But what if parents worry these habits are becoming harder to rein in? Stay calm and don’t rant, or they’ll become defensive, says Dr Ruston. However, “that doesn’t mean allowing endless hours of video gaming”. Indeed, problems develop when children play fast, engaging video games for very long stretches, says Dr Ruston.
“Dopamine is released in the brain’s reward centre that causes the sensation of ‘ this feels exciting and good’ at a continuous rate.” Over time, the body adjusts, so children need to play for longer to get the same high, and normal activities feel dull and frustrating.
On her podcast, Dr Ruston interviewed a psychiatrist who works with gaming addicts. He advises breaking gaming into smaller chunks of time – “make sure after an hour of high dopamine activity such as playing a video game, to do an hour of low dopamine activity say, baking”. Ask yourself, too, “What is going to help my children develop?” Imagine, she says, they have three buckets that each require filling daily: “health, helping, and humanness”. Nudge them towards these goals. The bucket of health would be filled by quality sleep and physical activity. Rather than bang on about the evils of gaming, Dr Ruston suggests you ask how they plan to be active and get outside. As for helping, ask them how they can contribute, not just consume.
Dr Ruston says: “I don’t want to raise a child who, after dinner at a friend’s house, doesn’t help clear the table.” Maybe they can call their grandparents or a young cousin who’s feeling alone?
Humanness is about fulfilling their potential, unique skills and character, developing their competence and creativity, says Dr Ruston. Our teens do want to succeed. But it’s natural if they’re feeling unmotivated. However, a parent might say, “What if you gave up one of your gaming hours and built a model? Or is there something else you want to develop?”
Negotiation is more effective than autocracy, says Dr Ruston. So, perhaps, “it’s four nights a week that they’re getting good sleep”. She adds: “We wish they were reading in their bedrooms, but all we can do is take away the screen and they can decide. With older teens it’s hard to force them. But we can say, enough is enough – and let them navigate how they’ll spend their non-gaming time. Recognise and celebrate the little wins.” This is such wise advice. As for gaming, I now have a greater appreciation of all that it gives my children. I understand a little more about its appeal, and their feelings around the games – and that is surely great for our relationship. Even if I am the worst player has ever seen.