WHY YOUR PARTNER DOESN’T UNDERSTAND YOU

(especially now)

Speaking the same language doesn’t mean you always understand each other. Regardless of eloquence or intelligence, communicating and relating kindly and well in a couple can be extraordinarily complex. And considering the inordinate stresses and griefs of the past 10 months – and those yet to come – it would be curious if we weren’t experiencing more conflict than normal.

This time of year is tough anyway, and relationships charity Relate always sees a peak in inquiries – as do divorce lawyers – in these weeks, but this January, in a new lockdown, it will be particularly busy. A Relate survey last month found that one in eight respondents intended to break up with their partner in the new year. And yet, while divorce is the right decision for some, as psychotherapist Philippa Perry says, “A lot of these breakdowns could be avoided with a little more emotional intelligence.”

Indeed, Relate reported that 16 per cent of respondents planned to seek support for their relationship. Many couples are realising that understanding each other ( and themselves) can lead to a stronger, happier connection – and that it’s an art they need help to master. That might be via therapy or a workshop – though some have adapted business coaching skills to their personal life.

We will all need to pay special attention to our intimate relationships in the weeks ahead. Here, a range of experts explain why what we mean can get lost in translation, how to change that, and why being in harmony is about so much more than what we say.

WE PROJECT THE PAST ON TO THE PRESENT

Perhaps your partner mildly reprimanded you today for finishing the milk – and you felt hurt, stormed out, and accusations of overreacting flew. This may be because, as well as the immediate situation, our history and experiences affect how we respond to each other. So if our parents called us a greedy child, because that was painful it stays with us, and even now we might wrongly assume our partner believes this, too.

The same goes for behaviour experienced in our earliest relationships. Perry, author of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, says: “If you had a very nosy mother, who didn’t have any boundaries, perhaps you keep your wife at arm’s length. Because somewhere in your head, you think she’s got the same motivation as your mother. But she might not have.”

WE’RE SCARED OF CONFLICT

Some people feel lonely in their relationship, and this may be, says Perry, “because there’s so much taboo in your relationship that feels incendiary and you can’t talk about it”. Again, this can happen if you didn’t grow up in a household where differences were sorted out amicably. “You tend to think that any difference of opinion means conflict rather than an interesting discussion.”

WE FEEL DIMINISHED IN

LOCKDOWN

We use those around us as mirrors, says Perry. “Whether people are pleased to see us, or whether we’re taken for granted, we see ourselves in how others receive us. When we’re out in the world, going to work, meeting friends, we have many mirrors, so we might feel quite good about ourselves.” But in lockdown or Tier 4, that’s narrowed. “If the only other adult you see regularly is your partner, you might start to feel more two-dimensional, because you have one view of you reflected back.”

Then we can start to feel low – for, as Perry says, even the greatest partner can’t be all things to one person – “and then you might start to blame your partner. You get a bit shorter in patience, or a little vitriolic. That might be a two-way thing.” Rather than take responsibility for our own depression, anger, anxiety, or fear, “it’s so much easier to blame someone else than it is to look inwards.”