PITCH PERFECT: MY CARAVAN ETIQUETTE VANIFESTO
New owner Anna Hart reveals the secret social code of the caravanning classes
RULE 1 Introduce yourself to the tribe
It is best to view a caravan site as a popup 1950s village, not a pitstop for the night. Even if you know you are here for a maximum of 10 hours and will never see any of these neck-craning holidaymakers ever again, immediately introduce yourself to your neighbours. Prioritise such diplomatic pleasantries over going to the loo or making a cup of tea. A new caravan rolling in is as exciting as a royal visit, so greet everyone with the same warmth and enthusiasm as you would if you had just moved permanently to a remote Scottish island.
RULE 2 Keep driving to a minimum
When you pitch up, stay pitched up. Driving around the park, or making short trips nearby, immediately marks you out as an amateur who doesn’t know how things are done. Even popping to the shops in the car (minus the caravan) is slightly frowned upon, because it causes noise and upheaval. If everyone else did it, this would resemble a holiday in an Aldi car park.
RULE 3 Stick to your pitch
Think of pitches not as slivers of a public park, but as private gardens. Walking across someone’s pitch should be avoided, and driving across someone’s pitch is only acceptable if there is no other route. It is also courteous to compliment other people’s pitches, because “keeping a nice pitch” is a point of pride. Try: “Ooh, what fabulous deck chairs – are they Cath Kidston?” or “Gosh, that’s the shiniest party grill I’ve ever seen!”
RULE 4 Complain about management, not neighbours
The caravanning code of honour dictates that 90 per cent of gossip and whining should be directed at an abstract, omnipotent entity like the
management company, not your fellow holidaymakers. Moaning about the strange layout of the park, the poor signage, the upkeep of the facilities… these are all fair game. But grumbling about a fellow caravanner is frowned upon, except in the most extreme circumstances. Even then, discussing the well-dressed woman who was secretly using her high-spec Alpine Sprite as a mobile meth laboratory should only be done in soft, concerned tones. After all, she kept her awning spotless.
RULE 5 You will be judged
Many caravan owners are inordinately proud of their vehicle, inside and out. They are itching to show everyone how they reupholstered the sofa in 1970s Heal’s fabric, the clever hook contraption that Finn invented for their Dryrobes, the new whisk that makes frothy lattes just as good as the ones they sell for £3 in the shop.
And once you have been invited into their palace-on-wheels, you are expected to return the favour. Do not make the mistake of thinking no one will ever see that the interior of your van is just one big heap of Costa coffee cups, half-deflated inflatable toys and crumpled waterproof jackets.
RULE 6 Enthusiasm = kudos
Charmingly enough, the caravanning community is not unduly awed by the biggest, shiniest, priciest new model. No, the true determinant of your status in the park is how much love and enthusiasm you pour into your vehicle, however humble it may be. Any little modifications – handmade curtains and cushions, or restored woodwork – mark you out as a true enthusiast, a worthwhile member of this temporary tribe.
If you can’t be bothered to reupholster the sofa, demonstrate your enthusiasm by loudly and cheerily having a fabulous time. It’s only when you look a bit miserable that people start questioning your holiday choices, and wondering what on Earth you were thinking buying that particular model and coming to this particular site at this particular time. Because, after all, caravans are about freedom, leisure and pleasure – and if you are achieving these things, then you are an indisputable caravanning success.