And the winner is... everyone who gets a £110,000 goody bag

Oscar goody bags are a perennial source of fascination for me. How extraordinary that such an overblown, self-satisfied ceremony isn’t enough in itself, and that nominees must also be given party bags stuffed with holiday offers and plastic-surgery vouchers. Proof that nobody is immune to a giveaway, I guess, which is comforting in its way. Not even

Dame Judi Dench would say no to a free moisturiser.

Last weekend’s bags were worth about £110,000 and the best inclusion was a 100 sq ft patch of Scotland. I promise I’m not making this up. It was from one of those slightly dubious companies that flog plots of land and titles, which means all nominees now own a soggy bit of Glencoe and can technically style themselves as lord or lady of Glencoe. Consolation for those who didn’t win, eh, Lord Cumberbatch and

Lady Kidman?