“I will be a billionaire by the time I’m 70. I will.”

Some people retire at 55. No way. For me, at 60 there are mountains still to climb, very serious mountains. Ambitions I have yet to achieve. Money I have yet to make. I will climb those mountains. I will achieve those ambitions. I will make that money. All of it.

I was a millionaire at the age of 25 – back in the days before anyone with a suburban semi was a millionaire – and since then I have had one ambition only. A billion.

I’d be there already, but for one or two minor setbacks – the global financial crash, the pandemic, the war, a wrongful, utterly groundless conviction for fraud that has completely – completely – expired.

I don’t tolerate failure, or any form of weakness, or criticism of my point of view, from anybody – as my former colleagues and former wives have all discovered, and as my children are finding out.

I don’t tolerate time-wasters, either – you have two minutes, by the way – or gossip, or jokers. Or humour of any kind, actually.

The secret of my success – and I am immensely successful, probably on a global scale, probably more successful than anyone else you will ever meet, I mean, who are you anyway, what are you worth? Really? Is that all?

Where was I? Successful. Yes, I am. Immensely, in every way you can think of – and then some.

The secret of my tremendous success? Oh yes. It’s that I know when the music is going to stop.

Not real music. I hate music. It’s a metaphor – are you some kind of idiot? I’ve built an amazing succession of temporarily successful businesses, and I have a knack, an instinct, for when a business is about to become less successful, or seriously unsuccessful. And before that happens, I’m out of there. Gone. Adios.

But I’m going all the way with my latest business. The genius of Entreprenewer is that feeds off the failures of people less gifted, less resolute, than I am. We recycle office equipment from failed start-ups – genius. At the right moment, I’ll float it, or flog it, or IPO it, or bung it at the private equity muppets. And then I’ll have my billion. And then I’ll go for two…

Trappings of success? You bet I’ve got trappings. Gadgets. Watches. Lots of watches. Penthouse. Bentley and a Bugatti. Jet. Two boys at Eton! Wives. Have you seen my latest? Stunner. Estonian, I think. People think I’m flash but these things aren’t just for show. They’re the scoreboard.