“I find I can drink as much as I like, these days. As long as I have enough coke.”

Yolo, right? Yo f---ing lo. Right? Have another? Don’t mind if I do… Drink problem? Bulls---. Any problem I have, I fix myself a drink – tada! No problem. No problemo. I gave up listening to my GP years ago… cut down on this, cut down on that… boring! I told him, I’m in a people business – PR is fundamentally a people business, right? And people like to have a drink, do a line or two, go to a fun place afterwards, have another drink, another line. You just meet people who are more interesting in those kinds of places, people with stories to tell, people who have lived a little, you know?

Yellow cards, warnings… I’ve seen them all. Pals, good mates, really good mates… blokes who, let’s face it, couldn’t stand the pace, chucked it in, gave it up, fell down dead. Some even went to rehab! Jesus, who needs that?

Not me, for sure. No way. I’m lucky – I just don’t have that kind of addictive personality. I don’t have to drink all the time and take drugs. I choose to. Right? I can totally take it or leave it. I just like to have fun, to be honest, and I run on pretty heavy fuel… Those 12-steppers, This Anonymous, That Anonymous – people who go in for that nonsense, they’re a bunch of losers who ran out of energy, and that is never going to be my problem…

These days I find I’m the oldest guy on the dance floor at a club by a long way, but the girls don’t care. They think I’m a scream, can’t believe I’m 60. Not that I tell them. In the dark, who’s gonna know? This girl last night, great girl, remember her name in a minute, she said: “You know what? You’re disgraceful!” She was going to call the police and everything. Hilarious!

My secret? The key – let me whisper in your ear – is to do drink and drugs. One without the other... that’s no good at all. A few years back I used to find I was wilting after the third bottle, but if you time the toots right you can keep going all night. And in the morning, a blast from the oxygen canister by the bed and I’m right as rain. Amazing, isn’t it? If I do enough drugs, I can drink as much as I like.

Someone in a club the other night – I can’t remember which club, or which night to be honest – couldn’t believe I was still at it at my age. I told them I could quit any time – any time I want. But I don’t want to quit. Yo f---ing lo, am I right?

Have another?