THE MIDULTS
Annabel Rivkin and Emilie McMeekan
QDear A&E, I’m a 52-year-old divorcée and I’ve fallen in love with a 29-year-old man who treats me beautifully. I’ve worked hard all my life; I am a mother of three and a grandmother of two, and I’m finally having fun. But my family think it’s obscene and they won’t accept him – in fact, they spent Christmas with my ex-husband and his (much younger) wife. Why can’t they be happy for me? I feel furious with them but also want them to accept him. Help! Love – Irate
Dear Irate,
AFirst up Irate, congratulations on finding fun. Remind yourself that you deserve this fun. We have spent too long thinking about motherhood as a kind of martyrdom, whereby you spend your life in a state of hyper-vigilance making sure everybody else is OK at the expense of your own OK. This is not OK. In your longer, unedited letter, you say that your marriage broke down when your children were very young and you spent years as a working single mother. That will have involved considerable self-sacrifice.
And so, as you are released from those relentlessly tiring years, you suddenly find yourself under relentless scrutiny, with your relationship under the family microscope. Cynics will crow that he has a mother complex or is using you for “mature” sex (yes please) and will be gone before you can say “walking frame”. Sure, risks are higher with this kind of relationship – will he want children? How might you both feel 20 years down the line? – but we believe there is such a thing as a soul and heart connection. And happiness is happiness. You’re not selling your house and giving him the money to invest in his business; you’re not so drunk on lust that you’re ignoring your family. He’s treating you beautifully and that’s a lovely thing.
Inevitably your children are uncomfortable. A man in his 50s might seem a more palatable prospect to them, but there are plenty of disrespectful older men and things that seem perfect on paper can also break your heart. You know the risk: you’re a grown-up.
Children can be hugely liberal in their outlook and hugely sexist and reactionary towards their parents because they hold them apart and to impossible standards. As a single mother you are held to account in a different court.
They want you to keep the home fires burning and ignore your own fires. You are their creature, not bound to anyone else – and certainly not someone the same age as them. You need to acknowledge their discomfort in order to move forward. Yes, you have completely earnt the right to love whomever you choose, but that doesn’t mean your choice is an easy one for them. It’s not a “wrong” choice – and remember that they might have been no more tolerant of a 55-yearold man – just a different one. Exotic. A really convenient excuse for them to object without having to think hard about what they want for you.
So here is what you might do. You probably need to gently engage with your three children separately and on neutral ground. Have a shoulder-toshoulder talk with them, rather than an “eyeballs across the table” situation. Go for a walk. Go shopping. Chat in the car. Acknowledge that your choice of relationship is not straightforward and it’s understandable they feel uncomfortable. Tell them you don’t expect them to be thrilled for you. Tell them that you are not starry-eyed and understand that every relationship comes with risks, but that you are happy and optimistic.
Be wary of the guns blazing approach: “Don’t you think, after all we’ve been through, I deserve this?” That may very well be true, but they don’t need to hear that you feel you have spent the past 20 years falling on the sword of single motherhood. Make it clear that you don’t need them to fake their joy. Most importantly, remind them that they remain a priority and the lights of your life. Then give them space. Continue to see them without your boyfriend tagging along while they adjust to your new reality.
Give it time because it will take time – these things just do. Your children will be feeling protective, suspicious, wary, abandoned and maybe embarrassed. They need to be able to process all those feelings without also feeling that they are disappointing you or hurting you. Eventually they will probably understand that this man makes you happy, secure and safe, and that you are having fun. And that they are still happy, secure and safe in spite of it.