My children have no idea how lucky they are

Ifell out with my son recently, for the first time in years. He’d been promoted and came to tell us with a bottle of champagne and we were delighted. He Zoomed his sisters and everyone joined in with the celebrations but he had quite a lot to drink and said that I’d spoilt things, “as usual”. My husband was shushing us both and I was upset and angry, as I had no idea what he meant and then my son said I had to get a dig in. Apparently, I’d mentioned how lucky he was that we’d funded him through uni or he’d never have done so well.

The thing is, it’s true. My son claimed that they’ve stopped sharing things with me because I’m always carping on about how lucky they are, compared to me. We were the first in our families to go to university and have done well for ourselves, with the natural knock-on effects on our children. We live in a lovely area, the kids went to an excellent school and they’ve also done well.

If I’m totally honest I’m consumed with jealousy at their youth and opportunities – I know I’m menopausal and a bit cranky – but it’s like we’ve hit our early 50s at top speed and I just want my kids to appreciate everything and not hurtle through life. I tried explaining that to my son and he said it comes across as moaning and quoted half a dozen examples of them telling us good news and each time I was negative, according to him.

He reminded me that when one of his sisters got engaged I said “That diamond makes my engagement ring look like something out of a party bag”, which apparently upset his dad, too. He said his dad is delighted at anything good happening to them but I always have to qualify it and if I hadn’t wanted to help them growing up, and now as adults, why did I do it? When I said they take everything for granted he said they appreciate everything and often say so – and would say it more if I didn’t try to make them feel bad.

It’s sort of been forgotten, but not by me. I feel it’s almost my job to make them realise how lucky they are and to try to make them savour the moment. I know I’m now getting old and unattractive – and they still have everything ahead of them and more opportunities than I ever had – and I want them to learn from that. My parents and in-laws didn’t have the money or education to help us and sometimes we really struggled. I’m not saying I want our children to struggle and I’m proud of them, but they honestly have no clue what it’s like not to have life handed to them on a plate and I worry about how they’d cope if something really bad happened.

My husband says they do appreciate it but they don’t know anything other than how they were brought up, so I’m expecting too much. He said it’s not our job to bring them down, but to big them up, especially now they’re adults.

I’m watching every word at family gatherings now and I’m making a real effort not to be negative about anything and I will admit everyone seems more relaxed. I wish I could just enjoy everything they do and not worry, but I still think that they don’t appreciate just how lucky they are and if there’s a reckoning they won’t be able to cope.

I know I’m a bit cranky but I just want my kids to appreciate everything and not hurtle through life