I would love to hate Wagner, but the antiSemite’s music is just too good
QAs a Jew it is almost my moral responsibility to feel queasy anger at the mention of Wagner’s name. During his lifetime, old Richard had a highly developed scheme of disgust for Jews; after his death the Nazis embraced his music.
I therefore want to hate Wagner’s operas as much as I do the man, and especially the Ring Cycle, a series about Norse-style gods (read: Aryans) brought low by greed and gold (read: Jews) that is so beloved that a whole opera complex was built to honour it with a yearly festival at Bayreuth in Bavaria. It is still nearimpossible to get tickets to Bayreuth, although Michael Gove and George Osborne seem to manage it. One wonders if a similar enthusiasm would be possible for a composer who became synonymous with the Ku Klux Klan.
I have to confess that I don’t hate Wagner’s operas, despite wanting to. It’s the opposite. When I first began having rows with a Wagner-loving exboyfriend about the composer’s anti-Semitism, I went to a few My parents-in-law are operas and, much to my irritation, downsizing and have given us found the music fun and, in a few pieces of art. Trouble is places, gratifying. they are all enormous and hideous.
Last week I went to check on I love my in-laws, who have really Wagner again, with a £45 supported me while my own last-minute ticket to Rheingold, family has been quite neglectful, the first opera of the Ring cycle, at and they visit us most weekends. the ENO. At two and a half hours What on earth do we do? without an interval, I was not –Ungrateful bored, I was delighted. The music is inventive and gorgeous. The story of the gods’ encounter with the gold-smithing dwarves is Regular readers will know entertaining and profound. The we generally fall on the side ENO’s production featured a of openness and honesty. brilliant, highly comic libretto in That we tend to prescribe English. I only hope enough of Mr communication. From manbuns Gove’s colleagues go along so that to bullying, we have always seen threats of defunding the company the value in taking a deep breath are withdrawn. and walking the truth tightrope
But I don’t want to sound too because, though it may not be breathless. With the emphasis on the most comfortable option, it the nasty little gold-stealing generally has the potential to find dwarves corrupting the beauty, clarity, not to mention a youth and loftiness of the gods, reinvigorated perspective. the spectre of genocidal German Unusually, when it comes to anti-Semitism remains. your problem, we find ourselves considering two paths: the honest one and the shrewd one.
Families are riddled with risk. Your own family life has been a little difficult, and you have, at times, felt less than nurtured and supported. Your parents-in-law, on the other hand, have welcomed you with open arms and now, joyfully, they want to give you something precious to show their affection. As well as the actual art itself, it’s also symbolic of trust: a passing on; a heritage. If, as you say, your own family bonds are somewhat insecure, you might feel that any new relationships are potentially fragile, which is why you are so worried. You have not been accustomed to firm foundations so it’s hard not to fear that emotional Armageddon is just a few false steps away. The idea of
Dear Ungrateful
Arejecting the art might feel genuinely threatening to your own sense of security.
Perhaps we might first consider some practical trouble-shooting, as your parents-in-law are such regular visitors. One of Emilie’s closest friends is an artist who, with great love, presented her with a portrait when she got married. In the painting, her husband looks like an alien. Fortunately for Emilie, it was cupboard-sized, and everyone lives abroad – so it’s only had to be hastily rehung a couple of times. Sadly this is not an option for you. However, it might be worth looking at whether it is possible to fix them somehow (and we don’t mean by dropping them off the roof). Frames are often half the battle. The heavy, dark style that was once so popular can make art that is already challenging almost overwhelmingly awful. Take them to a framer (don’t accidentally run them over on the way) and ask the experts whether there is any way to tone down the overall aesthetic experience. Clever lighting also wields great power (and no, we don’t mean a darkened room).
If you have explored these avenues and you still feel desperate, might we suggest an attempt at some truth. The fact that you have a great relationship might make you feel more reluctant to hurt your in-laws’ feelings, but in reality, you are coming from a place of strength and trust. There is an old cliché that mothers-in-law are furious with their daughters-in-law for stealing away their sons – that nothing will ever be good enough for their boy and, over time, the relationship can become a masterclass in passive aggression. This is not happening here. There is real affection. Perhaps you – or, far better, your husband as this is not your problem alone – could communicate something like: “Thank you so much for the incredible art. I am always amazed by your generosity to us. But I have to be honest and say that I don’t think we will appreciate them in the way they deserve. We are probably charlatans, but they don’t quite match our house and I would hate to be dishonest. I don’t think I can bear to insert lies into a relationship I really value.”
Or you get cunning. We do not like this option but it is, nonetheless, an option. If you can’t bear to inflict any possible pain or flood the relationship with tension, then it’s manoeuvre time. Get a friendly expert to wildly inflate the value, sit your in-laws down and say: “Haven’t you been clever? We are so worried though. Our children are maniacs with the footballs and the crayons. We will have to store the paintings until such time as the household can handle them.” And then hope that storage facility doesn’t flood/burn down/get burgled.
We hope you find a way through all this that doesn’t involve too much massaging of the truth and covering up of art or feelings. But it is hard, Ungrateful, largely because you are clearly not ungrateful. We hear your discomfort. It’s destabilising when something intended to be thoughtful and kind actually feels threatening and scary. Honesty is usually the best policy – failing that, it’s time to get insurance.
Write to us
Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@ telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply personally