DEAL WITH MISMATCHED LIBIDO

For women, libido can drop off over time, while testosterone continues to drive male desire

Dr David and Ruth Perl, the Married Therapists, offer coaching and counselling to couples and have

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Ruth: Where one partner has a lower libido and it’s not discussed, lots of frustration can arise. Their partner may want to spice things up, while they’re perfectly happy with things as they are.

If you feel your partner’s vying for sex you don’t want, you can end up withdrawing from them. A vicious cycle is established. The lower-libido partner might feel defensive, when in fact what they’re feeling is totally normal. When couples first get together, levels of desire are high. For women, libido can then drop off over time, while testosterone continues to drive male desire. David: Good communication is key, and sometimes it’s easier to frame your personal experiences in terms of these biological realities. You might say: “It’s typical for male drive to stay higher while female drive slows – do you feel like that’s the case for us?”

Ruth: There are good books couples can read together, to understand the biology behind that libido mismatch, like Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity, or Wired For Love by Stan Tatkin.

David: We also recommend

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman [which explains five broad means through which romantic partners express and experience love, from gifts to words of affirmation]. You might be wrongly assuming that your partner receives love in the same way you do. So write down three things that make you feel loved and share it and ask them to do the same.

Ruth: These things may not increase libido, but they can make you more receptive to the idea of sex with your partner.