NAUGHTY, BUT NICE…. TV’S CHEEKIEST SHOWS

Simply Nigella

Last week, naughty Nigella warned that we’d “need a lot of napkins to cope with all the lip-smacking stickiness”. This week, get ready for “hot sticky dates”, “massaged breasts” and “succulent, quivering pork buns”.

Innuendo rating: 9/10.

Manages to make the most innocuous foodstuffs sound filthy.

The Great Pottery Throw Down

From the same TV producers as Bake Off, the BBC seem to have found something filthier than cakes, this new show has shot straight to the top of the innuendo charts. They slap, hump, wet their hands, play with it, pull a handle – and then things get really mucky. “Nice crack” has been lauded as the new “soggy bottom”. Disgusting.

Innuendo rating: 10/10.

Can’t wait for jug week.

The Great British Bake Off

“You have some irregular-shaped balls” – a classic piece of criticism from Mary Berry. Add in Sue’s endless quips about “hot baps” and “cream horns” and it’s quite the Carry On.

Innuendo rating: 8/10.

Mel and Sue keep their end up, so to speak, but Mary’s been holding back since the move to BBC One. The big tease.

Strictly Come Dancing

Lots of lewd material in ballroom, but apart from the odd mention of hip action or bum placement, the judges seem more interested in footwork. Claudia Winkleman is the prime pun-slinger. Oh, and Tess asking if “that dance put the willies up you”.

Innuendo rating: 5/10.

Autumnwatch

Spotting innuendos from wildlife presenters Chris Packham and Michaela Strachan (below) has become a student drinking game, with plenty of birds, bees and bearded tits providing the phnaars. Once, filming beavers on a loch in Aigas in the Scottish Highlands, Strachan prounounced: “Well, there’s been plenty of beaver action tonight and many of you have been enjoying it on the internet!” Oops!

Innuendo rating: 7/10.

Animals.