The omens are good for astrologers in 2016
My prediction for 2016 is that the Government will order a complete overhaul of Britain’s horoscope system. In line with the recommendations of an official inquiry, it will be streamlined to make it fit for purpose in the 21st century. Some star signs will be abolished and some new (more relevant ones) will be created. A regulatory body, Ofstrol, will be set up to oversee the work of astrologers and under-performing ones will have their part of the heavens taken over by their more successful rivals. (My source for this story is a Scorpio, so you can assume it is reliable.)
George Osborne – a rather surprising Gemini – is said to believe that Britain is a world leader in horoscopes and he is convinced these reforms are necessary to maintain our competitive edge.
As part of the rationalisation process, Taurus and Leo will combine to form the new star sign of the Endangered White Rhino. It is hoped this will make Taureans less impulsive without losing their creativity. Cancer and Scorpio will combine and become the Ninja Turtle, which may help Cancerians lose their appalling docility. Pisces and Aquarius will be merged to make up the Hydraulic Pump.
Sagittarius will be phased out over three months, with horoscopes becoming progressively more terse and non-committal. Sagittarians will then have the choice of joining Gemini or Libra. The re-organisation will mean that people born on certain dates (June 15, August 9 and October 23) will have no star sign at all. They will, in due course, be grouped together under a new one, the Satellite Dish.
The Government is also promising “a better deal for Virgo,” as people born between August 24 and September 23 have had more than their fair share of disappointments and misunderstandings, and not enough desired outcomes, predicted for them. Next march they will be bombarded with promises of good news, particularly about their love life.
How will these changes be received by the public? I am told the omens are good. At this very moment many readers may be staring dolefully at a Stilton cheese and thinking they should have bought a smaller one. It sustained hardly any damage on Christmas Day and Boxing Day and now stands proudly on the table. A daunting sight, a challenge and, in a few days perhaps, a reproach. You can make a giant bread and butter pudding with leftover panettones, but that Stilton has an alarming look of permanence.
May I suggest you use it to power your Christmas tree lights? It was reported last week that in Albertville, in France, the by-product of the manufacture of Beaufort cheese is being used to produce methane gas, which then generates electricity for the national grid. Surely a Stilton, with a dash of port to speed up the biological process, would do just as well.
Nowadays we know how to run a bus on old chip fat, so just think what we could do with cheese. Some of you may now be idly watching that Brie as it begins to ooze and spread itself across the cheeseboard and you may be wondering, if you put it in the petrol tank of their car, whether it might speed your Christmas guests on their way. Having trouble with your unfinished Christmas Quiz? Is it spoiling your holiday? Don’t worry, now you can make use of my AllPurpose Christmas Quiz Solving Service. Just deploy the following answers in any order you like and you are guaranteed to come away with a respectable score.
1. It is reported to be Kim Jong-un’s favourite Adele song; 2. The only
EastEnders character to be eaten by piranhas; 3. c) – He plays for Aston Villa (all the others are deposed dictators); 4. The Yangtse (it’s always the Yangtse); 5. The only left-handed servant in Downton Abbey ; 6. Died after being hit by a trombone playing his own composition; 7. Robert Browning (it’s always Robert Browning); 8. They have not spoken to each other since the incident during the foxtrot in Strictly Come Dancing ; 9. Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol (It’s always Charles Dickens’s A
Christmas Carol ); 10. Alan Yentob’s taxi bill for 2014 (Also Costa Rica’s defence budget); 11. Harper Lee (if it’s not Dickens, it’s bound to be Harper Lee); 12. A banana and passion fruit sponge with chocolate ganache, decorated with baby macaroons, filled with crème anglaise, dotted with blueberries and topped with a Sydney Opera House made out of spun sugar.