David ‘Dr Big’ Livingstone, I presume?

Sean Penn’s recent encounter with “El Chapo”, the Mexican drug lord, was not the first publicity coup of its kind. I have just seen a back number of Gotcha!, the glossy magazine devoted to flattering interviews with celebrity on-therun master criminals – and I see it contains an exclusive interview with Dr Livingstone after he was tracked down by Henry Morton Stanley. Here is an extract from that interview.

“David ‘Dr Big’ Livingstone, I presume? How gracious of you to invite Gotcha! into your delightful lakeside residence. I believe I am right in saying that you have escaped the attentions of the Scottish police by fleeing to Africa and keeping one step ahead of your pursuers?”

“Well, my work as a missionary has taken me many hundreds of miles, often to hitherto unknown places.”

“Yes, of course. And that is your nickname: ‘The Missionary.’ Or, as you are known in Mexico, ‘El Misionero’. It is a name that strikes fear in the hearts of all your rival drug lords.”

“As a matter of fact, I do have a few basic medicines which I administer to the natives who are sick. It’s not much, but I do my best.”

“That is so typical of your modesty, Dr Big. Even though you have made millions from your nefarious activities you are still your old unassuming self. You could be mixing with the highest echelons of criminal society, but instead you live in this delightful architect-designed minimalist straw hut. I suppose, like other celebrity criminals I’ve interviewed, you feel that your life has been like a journey of discovery. I’m sure you still have an unfulfilled ambition. Can you tell Gotcha! readers what your dream is?”

“I’d very much like to discover the source of the Nile.”

“Oh yes, that must be where your stash of coke is hidden. Goodness, what is that noise, disturbing the peace of your tranquil idyll? Oh, it’s helicopters carrying armed police. Dr Livingstone, can we just get a photograph of you in handcuffs? And do you have a white suit that is less crumpled?” I am sick of the word “Brexit”. For me, it has turned into a signal of grinding EU debates to come. It fills me with a feeling of teudium, if I may coin a word, or with a sense of déjà veu.

Here are some more compound words which may help to pass the time while the referendum debate drags on. There’s Merxit, when Mrs Merkel is forced to resign, throwing all negotiations into confusion. Or Czechzit when the Czech Republic’s foreign minister storms out of an allimportant summit meeting.

We may also have Brexistentialism, when a distinguished group of British philosophers concludes that the existence of the EU cannot actually be proved and thus it is impossible for Britain to detach itself from a non-existent entity.

When the Slovenian prime minister denounces Mr Cameron’s demands as totally unreasonable, this will be described by the Foreign Office as inslovenient. A huge public demonstration by the Out campaign will be called a sceptacular. This will be followed by an embarrassing squabble in Ukip – a faragago. And when Mr Cameron is forced to put off the vote on Britain’s membership, we will call it a deferendum. The rail operator Southeastern was mocked last week for blaming the lateness of its trains on “low winter sun”. Actually, I think that’s rather a good excuse; I use it myself when I’m late for an appointment. The trouble is, whatever they say – leaves on the line or whatever – they are going to be ridiculed. I think I have the answer for rail companies. When trains are delayed, they should say nothing. They should save their explanations for those special occasions when trains are on time.

“First Great Western are puzzled to announce that the 14.43 to Cardiff will arrive at 14.43. This is due to the unexpected promptness of an earlier train.”

“For passengers on platform three, awaiting the train to Carlisle, this service will arrive on time, due to the absence of signal failures in the Nuneaton area.”

“We are now arriving into Waterloo where this train terminates. Owing to auspicious weather conditions, this service is miraculously on time and I am modestly gratified if this has caused you any convenience today.”