Turn yourself into a sandwich for better health

An aubergine a day keeps the doctor away. We are constantly told what a splendid thing the Mediterranean diet is and now they are saying it’s better for the heart than statins. We should also remember the great benefits of the Mediterranean versions of the home remedy and all those cures our grandmothers used to tell us about.

From mid-September onwards, fight off the winter chills the Mediterranean way and wrap slices of prosciutto round your chest, holding them in place under your vest and keeping them there till early May. And if you do succumb, you will find a lot of wisdom in the old saying “lasagne for a cold, spaghetti carbonara for a fever”.

The great cure-all is bouillabaisse. If you feel weedy, simply knock up a bowl of it and retire to bed. Take care not to spill those sharp little red mullet bones, because they get into the sheets, stick into you in the middle of the night and keep you awake.

The Mediterranean way to cure hiccups is to get the sufferer to drink ouzo (Pernod will do) from the wrong side of the glass and, if that doesn’t work, creep up behind him and give him a sharp slap with a hot pizza. That usually does the trick.

To stop a nosebleed, place an olive in each nostril. A raw sea bass down the back of the neck is also good. Put a garlic bulb under your pillow to stop you snoring. If you have ever wondered why so many Italians have such lovely curly hair it’s because they listened to their grannies and always ate up the rind on their salami and on their parmesan cheese. Their grannies also told them that if they rubbed oregano on their eyelids it would help them see better at night.

It takes some time for British people to learn everything about the Mediterranean diet, but one simple rule can help: if you mis-pronounce it, then it’s probably good for you. Hello, is that the Archbishop of Canterbury? Ah, good morning, your divineness, it’s Doug here from Tasteful Tattoos. I was just wondering if you had ever thought of getting yourself inked?

I definitely think it is the way to go for the clergy these days. As you know, the Police Federation thinks officers of the law should be allowed visible tattoos, to reflect society as a whole.

I could do you a very nice Adam and Eve on your back, with the serpent coiled round your arm. Or what about a stained glass window? As I see it, tattoos are very much the stained glass windows of our age. I know an ambitious parish priest who has the York Minster Rose Window across his chest. Of course, he has had to make some adjustments to his vestments to be sure it’s visible.

Oh yes, I’ve done some very important people. There’s a chief constable with “You’re Nicked” on his neck. He says it lightens the mood in awkward situations. I gather there’s a QC with a very good impression of a hangman’s rope, which is quite a talking point at the Old Bailey.

And I personally attended to a High Court judge who wanted bona on one knuckle and fide on the other.

Are you sure you won’t, Archbishop? Not even a nice quote from Ecclesiastes on the back of the neck? Nice gothic lettering? Just to reflect society? Oh well, thank you for your time.

Just one more thing: I suppose a piercing is out of the question? The important thing about these old TV sitcoms like Are You Being Served? which are being hauled back for another outing, is that you must view them in the appropriate period setting. It’s no good seeing them in digital high definition or downloading them. Ideally, you should be standing in the middle of the room holding the indoor aerial above your head and saying: “Is this any better?”

You should spend the rest of the 30 minutes stalking about with the aerial, like someone vainly hunting for a mobile phone signal. Make sure the colour and brightness of the picture veer wildly between garish and monochrome.

From time to time you should go and thump the top of the TV set violently with your fist.

And while this may not do anything to correct the horizontal hold, it will help you to release your feelings about all that canned laughter.

The perfect TV set for this sort of viewing is one which occasionally gives off a loud fuzzy hum.

With luck, this will drown out some of the cornier jokes. READ MORE at telegraph.co.uk/opinion