Oliver Pritchett
Some eyebrows were raised when constitutional experts discovered that The Crown, the new television series about the reign of Elizabeth II, is to be aired on Netflix and not on more establishment channels with a bit of pedigree. However, Fortinbras Courtly-Manners, who advises me on such matters, suggests that the involvement of this on-demand broadcaster could be “a breath of fresh air” for royal TV, even though traditionalists may experience a qualm (pronounced to rhyme with “ma’m”) at the idea of a royal programme with no formal time of viewing.
Courtly-Manners points out that royal TV has become much more relaxed than in the fuddy-duddy days when divorced people were not permitted to watch such programmes and male viewers were expected to wear a tie. Even so, there are certain courtesies that should be observed and here he explains some matters of etiquette:
“Operating the TV remote is the responsibility of the head of the household who should remain standing while doing so. There is no need to give a deep bow to the screen; a respectful nod will be appropriate. After ‘switch on’ is accomplished, the head of the household may be seated after placing the TV remote on the arm (pronounced to rhyme with ‘ma’am’) of his chair. Slumping is frowned on and pressing the ‘pause’ button is not done. If you have to leave the room at any time, there is no need to walk backwards; simply salute the screen as you pass. “Eating during the programme is disapproved of, although members of the House of Lords and their heirs may nibble a rich tea biscuit, provided they do so with decorum. “I shall certainly be watching
The Crown on the day of its release. I shall be wearing evening dress, of course, and the curtains will be closed, as they were when we all watched the Coronation on TV. I will also have a bouquet of flowers ready to present to any member of a foreign royal house who may drop in to join in the viewing.” You may detect a certain acrimonious edge to the haunting this Halloween. This is because the whole question of Brexit has bitterly divided the spook community. At the higher end of the business, the restless spirits who occupy the smarter country mansions are firmly in the Remain camp.
As they see it, we need the free movement of EU ghouls to do the tough outdoor work of haunting in graveyards in all weathers, which British ghouls are not prepared to undertake. Naturally, these Remainers take a dim view of poltergeists who are violently anti-foreigner. There has been a notable increase in the number of objects mysteriously flying about since the referendum result.
A clear majority of witches are in favour of Brexit. They have complained for many years about EU regulations restricting their blood curdling shrieks and mad cackling. Safety regulations concerning broomsticks and the standardisation of warts have also been irritants.
Vampires are in a difficult situation, as more that 50 per cent of the blood sucking population comes from Eastern Europe and a hard Brexit could hurt them badly. They are hoping they may get a special deal in the coming negotiations with the EU.
A spokesman for zombies did not return my call. Paul Beatty accepted the Man Booker Prize with good grace last week. This was a disappointment to members of the Impolite Society who are hoping that more winners will copy Bob Dylan’s offhand treatment of the Nobel Prize committee.
They claim that we need an antidote to all the tearful, gushing gratitude on display at the Oscars and other awards ceremonies and their dream is that, one day, the winner of the Women’s Singles Final at Wimbledon will hurl that silver salver like a frisbee in the general direction of the Royal Box.
Next month the Impolite Society holds its annual awards dinner at Raspberry House, its London headquarters.
This is always a fractious occasion, the food is awful and the evening always ends with a fight. The trophy is a sculpture of a thumbed nose and it is presented (or thrust at) the winners in various categories of rudeness. There is an award for Queue Barger of the Year, also for Storming Out in a Huff and for Greatest Un-Called For Remark.
The Society has invited Bob Dylan to this year’s ceremony, in order to present him with a Lifetime’s Achievement Award. Members are very much hoping for an appropriate response.