Follow Lady Macbeth’s advice for a good night’s sleep
There is so much advice on offer these days on how to get a good night’s sleep that it can be confusing. Now, at last, I have persuaded a proper authority to give us the last word on the subject. Here, exclusively, is Lady Macbeth presenting her foolproof Five Steps to an Untroubled Night:
“Hello. As I run a very busy castle here at Cawdor and also support my husband in his duties as Thane, I just can’t afford to have a sleepless night. If you are one of those unlucky people who lie awake for hours, just follow these simple steps:
Obviously my husband’s position means we have to do a fair amount of entertaining and, unless one is very careful, this can lead to a restless night. Late-night eating can easily murder sleep; the events of the evening seem to go round and round in one’s head and memorable things people have said keep coming back. I try to ensure the banquet ends early, to give everyone time to unwind and relax before bed.
If you can’t sleep, don’t just lie there. I often wander around the castle in the early hours and then fall sound asleep as soon as I get back to bed.
In a castle like ours, you get lots of peculiar sounds at night. I make sure the hinges and bolts are well oiled to prevent creaking. Sometimes I still get disturbed by a porter who is also well oiled! Ear plugs help.
Sounds silly I know, but I find that using a special evening primrose and violet handwash just before bed is luxurious and soothing. We make our own from plants grown at Cawdor and you can buy it at the castle gift shop.
5. Imagine you are in your happy place. My happy place is Birnam Wood. Whenever I can slip away, I love to go there and just enjoy nature. I only wish it was a bit nearer!”
Tattoos are “perfectly acceptable” in the office. This, according to a survey, is the view of 59per cent of young professionals aged 25 to 35. I believe tattoos may actually help to motivate staff.
“Come in and sit down Miss Pears. How long have you been with us? Three and a half years, isn’t it? Well, we have been very pleased with your work and I’m happy to tell you that, in recognition of your achievements, you qualify to have a viper coiled round your upper body with its head emerging just behind your left ear.”
“Oh, thank you Mr Swan. This is such an honour.”
“Not at all. You have certainly lived up to the company motto, ‘We Can Figure It Out’, which you had tattooed across your shoulders when you first came to work for us as an innocent young accountant with just Hate and Love on your knuckles. We have high hopes for you, Miss Pears. I would not be surprised if, one day, you have the coveted prancing horse on your forearm.”
“The prancing horse! My granny ranny would be so proud.”
“Who knows? Maybe in a few years you will be sitting here at this desk with a cobweb on your cheek and the executive piercing in your lower lip.”
“A piercing? I never dreamed ed I could aspire to that.”
at telegraph.co.uk/ opinion
“Just pop to our Inking Department today to claim your viper. Leave it till this afternoon. As you know, Mr Hobbs is retiring after 35 years and they will be busy tattooing a carriage clock on his chest.”
There’s a proposal to get corporate sponsorship to help mainta maintain our nature trails, such as the Co Cotswold Way and Hadrian’s Wall Path, w with discreet company logos on the sig signposts. I have a better idea. Sure Surely ramblers themselves would be ide ideal spaces for placing ads? After all, mo most rucksacks prominently displa display their swanky trade names, so w why not plaster ramblers, like Formula One drivers, with pro promotional material? They could we wear slogans like “Wilkinsons for co cool cagoules” or “Harveys have the hairiest socks” or “Knees need Sh Shanks’s Balm for a perfect shine.” C Come to that, sponsorship of wil wildlife could also be a possibility. As y you pause for breath on the Cotsw Cotswold Way you may hear someone say: “J “Just listen to the glorious song of that F F&K Audio Systems skylark!”