When one man’s addiction has a five-person ripple effect
As Dec is forced to go solo, Lola Borg says Ant’s demons will be affecting others, too
Last night there was an uncomfortable hole in the ITV schedule, where Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway should have been. From next week, Declan Donnelly will do the unthinkable and host the show alone for the first time in the duo’s 28-year partnership.
The pitiful footage that emerged last week, showing a dazed McPartlin emerging from a crumpled Mini, after a collision involving two other vehicles, has effectively put two careers on ice – his own, as he has been charged with drink-driving
– but also that of Donnelly. It has also disappointed some 7.5 million viewers, not to mention the impact on McPartlin’s estranged wife, Lisa.
It shows clearly the devastating ripple effect of one person’s addiction. This is not known as the UK’s “hidden epidemic” for nothing. It is estimated that at least one per cent of the adult population has an alcohol dependency (though this is almost certainly too low). As for drugs, we don’t know and can’t guess, partly because of their legal status.
The charity Action on Addiction (AOA) points out that addiction “doesn’t discriminate” – it can just as easily affect those at the glitzy TV award-winning end of society. And for each person with an addiction, an estimated five others are affected.
Again, this seems a conservative estimate. Donnelly (who has now earned the tabloid nickname “Devastated Dec”) has not spoken about his friend’s problems. But it is safe to assume he is going through the cycle of shock, anger and shame – perhaps relief – that many partners of addicts experience when the wheels come off.
The 42-year-old must also be facing the chilling realisation that his career is now largely dependent on his friend’s success in rehab. McPartlin, 42, had a well-publicised spell in recovery last year after an addiction to prescription drugs. No wonder Donnelly is said to be “worried about the future”.
Being the partner of someone with an addiction can be lonely. We have no indication of Donnelly’s role in supporting his friend, but commonly those living or working with an addict will knowingly or unknowingly
(to use a horrible phrase) “enable” – buy booze, cover up, lie on their behalf, and gradually get sucked into complying with their behaviour.
Denial is common and often there is too much at stake to admit what’s happening. We can only speculate whether or not there was collusion around McPartlin – whose recent deal with ITV is said to be worth £30 million – the producers, directors, agents and press people who may have observed the warning signs of his relapse and felt unable to intervene.
In my work as a psychotherapist and addiction counsellor, I have heard one phrase crop up again and again: that the “abnormal becomes normal”. Behaviour that at one time would have seemed insane gradually becomes routine. Tom (not his real name), 50, a father-of-three, bought his 20-yearold daughter hash and vodka, saying: “Of course I feel ashamed. But it felt safer to buy her drugs than that she buy cheap rubbish.”
Loved ones can develop a warped logic and often ignore risks. Many believe that if the alcoholic “loved them enough” they would put the bottle down. But those in the grip of an addiction are self-absorbed; the substance has become their primary relationship. Everything else – even a stellar career – gets relegated.
One of the words most often associated with addiction is “chaos”, says Graham Beech, the chief executive of AOA, “because of the maelstrom it creates within families, workplaces and social networks.”
McPartlin has been honest about his rages and the “hell” he put his wife through. In some reports she is, unfairly, being held responsible for his relapse – the idea being that their looming divorce may have somehow “forced” him off the wagon. The truth is that no one can force an alcoholic to start drinking, in the same way that no one can make them stop. And that is the eternal dilemma – accepting that nothing can be done until the addict hits a such a low point that they decided to change.
One hopeful sign is that McPartlin is discovering that everything that held life together can gradually fall away unless the problem is faced up to. It quite literally took a car crash for that to happen. Let’s hope that, this time, he can beat his demons.
‘When dealing with an addict, loved ones can develop a warped logic’