Royals and raincoats: our guide to spring
Winter’s over (yes, really). Shane Watson outlines what you can expect as the days lengthen and wedding bells start to chime
It’s the start of the fashion year, the season of new ideas and fresh beginnings – we’re not talking about getting the carpets cleaned (though that would be nice), we’re talking about new spring things that everyone needs to know about.
Lamb is big, but not on the plate
Hard to believe, but apparently young people no longer associate the start of spring with legs of juicy roast lamb. Still, the very same people who aren’t eating lamb may well be draping lamb skins on their kitchen chairs and spreading Swedish Gotland shearlings over their sofas and beds.
Obsessing about the unseasonal weather
Severe cold, then sunshine, then snow again. This spring madness plays to our weakness for pontificating about the weather, combined with a new urge for catastrophising. We used to have a far more Shackleton-spirited approach to bad weather, and rather liked the challenge of drifting snow, fallen trees, and not knowing if we were going to be stranded with just some Werther’s Originals for sustenance. Now, as of this spring, we are weather defeatists: rain has become an issue. (Have you seen the rain? It’s So Wet… etc.) We are all turning into Californians.
Body warmers
Ideal for said unpredictable weather phase. Ask not, “is it going to be warmish, shall I just take a light jacket, or will it be more mini-Beastfrom-the-East and digging the car out of snowdrifts, in which case should I wear the Arctic parka?” Instead, get yourself a body warmer, the all-weather option. Mary Berry was wearing a fetching daffodil yellow one just days ago on her TV show, Classic Mary Berry. (We only know this because she has since been accused of “fat shaming” the chef Nathan Outlaw, by feigning surprise that a bloke his size was a surfer, while wearing said body warmer. Sigh. But every cloud…)
New BBQ season
May has got drier and sunnier and less rainy than August – that’s official – so what we’re saying is, break out the BBQ sooner and simply add a body warmer as necessary.
Hats
They’re always trying to get us into hats in spring and this season’s nautical cap is obviously fetching… though might it now have the whiff of the Corbynite about it?
Royal wedding watch parties
This is going to be “A Thing”, even among republicans and those who didn’t bother to tune in to the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee or Prince William’s wedding. Kate and William married in April (spring! No time like it!) seven years ago (can you believe it?) but this spring royal wedding has 99per cent more sex appeal, on account of it involving Harry and Meghan and the mash-up of Harry and Meghan’s transatlantic celebrity pals.
Theirs is allowed to be the Royal Wedding Lite, steeped in tradition and ceremony, but also insanely lavish, fantastically starry and glam, in a vaguely Made in Chelsea way. Accordingly, Saturday May 19 is a day to put out the bunting, pull on your Blues and Royals beret or your Markle Sparkle wig, chill the Camel Valley (their Cornish fizz has just been given the royal seal of approval), and toast the TV screen until the last celebrity has left the building. It will be a bit like the Grand National with bets on who will and will not be on the list (Ed Sheeran too busy?) and we can’t wait.
The midi or longer floral dress
These dresses are modest in form (they have long sleeves, long hemlines, some of them you even wear over trousers, like floaty coats) but very, very pretty and very floral, with a suggestion of medieval maiden or prairie homesteader. For anyone who has slightly shied away from the floral dress since their 21st birthday, this could be your moment. (Check with your 20-somethings first.)
Mankles at Ascot
Or rather not at Ascot, ever again, because they have been banned (praise be) along with too-small fascinators and too-short skirts, and are therefore now officially de trop. Some of us are surprised that you would d think of going sockless at Ascot – imagine! – but then we were pretty surprised by the peeing in the champagne glasses at Cheltenham.
We predict/hope the ban spreads to Wimbledon,
Corbin & King restaurants, ts, Waitrose, John Lewis, all establishments featuring Farrow & Ball paintwork, and from there onwards to Wetherspoons etc. That way the trend will be wiped out in a fifth of the time it took to rid the world of visible thongs.
Another long list of unmissable TV
Starting with The Split, a new BBC drama written by Abi Morgan, set in “the fast-paced, emotionally charged world of divorce law”… say no more. This spring was meant to mark the beginning of a new chapter, when we would not be slaves to catch-up TV, endlessly noting down series that you have to watch if you want to be part of the conversation. Then Homeland turned out to be as gripping as ever. And Divorce was just as good without Sharon Horgan. Now we are braced for all the new spring essential viewing. Diaries at the ready.
Bum bags
Some will look super-cool in multi bum bags (probably Cara Delevingne, definitely Rihanna) and most civilians will struggle to carry it off. But, as with all the most unlikely trends (fur-lined mules, overalls, giant puffa jackets, phones you go to bed with) there is every chance everyone under 50 will have a bum bag by 2019.
Pineapple, not avocado
Admittedly you can’t breakfast on pineapple on toast, and you can’t pop a pineapple in your bag and peel it on the train (apparently something you might do with an avocado), but expect them to turn up in salsas, salads and on aforementioned BBQs – despite the fact they are coated in an armour that makes avocado stone removal look like child’s play. Talking of children, you lot who have just invented the Avogo avocado knife, why not get cracking on the one-shot pineapple peeler?
The trench coat
You are never more than a couple of seasons away from a trench revival but this spring, seriously, the trench is back in a big way. Amal Clooney in a glossy leather Alexander Wang trench coat reminded everyone that it is (after the body warmer) the answer to your spring outerwear issues.
A renewed Emily Blunt crush
Not content with reinventing Mary Poppins, she is starring in hotly anticipated horror film A Quiet Place, directed by her husband John Krasinski. Claire Foy is almost enough to be going on with, but nice that Blunt is back in the running.
Ugly trainers
This spring’s monster trend, in both senses. Not just ugly, but misshapen, foot exaggerating and clumsy looking – in no way attractive. But there you go.
Long pencil skirts
Like Meghan’s; requiring the figure of Meghan and possibly the lifestyle. How do you ride your bike in a longline pencil? How do you run for the bus? How do you wrestle behind the sofa to find the rogue chip? Obviously very chic, though.
Useful presents
For example, Silent Roar manure (soaked in real essence of lion dung) to deter foxes from gardens. Step away from the scented candles; give something useful to your friends this spring! Bring Punt e Mes and Campari and gin (the negroni moment is not over, the prosecco one is).