Delays: helping to maximise your loitering experience
he trouble with all you rail passengers is that you are obsessed with punctuality,” said my chum Steve Gladly, who is something of a big noise in customer relations with one of the major train operating companies. He was explaining their great new rethink which will solve all their problems: they are going to abolish the word “delay”. From now on it will be called enhanced quality platform time.
The words “waiting room” send out quite the wrong message, Steve pointed out. These will be replaced by terms that emphasise the positive side of the hanging around experience, like “lingering salon”. Or perhaps “viewing area”, as they give you excellent opportunities to view other would-be passengers sitting there.
“In this, we are simply coming into line with the broadcasting companies,” Steve said. “Long ago, they stopped saying ‘repeat’ and started to say ‘another chance to see’. So passengers will soon realise they are not waiting, they are simply maximising their destination anticipation. The platform announcements will tell them that, as they are valued customers, the company has decided to extend their platform experience.”
“What about cancellations?” I asked. Steve winced. “Please do not use the C word when speaking to me. Those things you mentioned simply do not happen. When it may appear that they are occurring we will explain that there has been a timetable malfunction which has now happily been corrected.”
This train company solution is likely to be taken up by airlines this summer. As Steve pointed out, there are almost certain to be a considerable number of extended “you-know-whats” at airports in the holiday season. From now on, it will be emphasised that these are, in fact, “upgraded goodbye opportunities”.
The idea is to get across the message that time spent at an airport is an enjoyable social occasion, so you won’t find the word “queue” featuring at all. It will soon be known as a “designated getting-to-know-you space”. Airlines are hoping that when boarding is finally announced, passengers will actually feel a little disappointed. I have noticed lately that the links between horticulture and alcohol are getting stronger. Carnivorous plants are becoming increasingly popular with gardeners and are now seen as a means of protecting your glass of wine from reckless flies. The sarracenia enia pitcher plant will, it is hoped, gulp them down first, so you are not upset by the sight of a bluebottle flailing about in your chablis. At the Chelsea flower show these plants are now even advertised as wine glass protectors.
There is another side to this. I have a theory that indoor plants are starting to react to all those years of having mulled wine and ghastly punches surreptitiously tipped into their pots. As a result, you have a plant, such as aspidistra nauseana, which appears to be taking its revenge. In response to the sound of a cork being pulled it gives off a particular scent to attract wasps from miles around. In one case, in Kidderminster, a small swarm of thirsty locusts showed up. In gardens, where guests have been habitually tipping badly mixed Pimm’s into the bushes, a new strain of flower has evolved: delphinium um
at telegraph.co.uk/ opinion squiffiensis. When it detects the faintest whiff of alcohol it emits a clearly audible belch. This can make an awkward end to a summer party.
Today I am calling for an urgent c crackdown on the use of scented candle candles to reduce air pollution. Passive inhalin inhaling of a cocktail of orange blosso blossom, pomegranate, freesia and mimos mimosa pose serious health hazards. The There is risk of further harm to the enviro environment, as clouds of candle aroma aromas are carried on prevailing winds for tho thousands of miles where they may encou encounter other clouds of hickoryflavou flavoured barbecue smoke. When thes these clash they are likely to cause frea freak weather conditions. Experts bel believe that when the output of mi millions of domestic plug-in air fre fresheners collides with the clouds of scented candles and barbecue sm smoke, you get violent storms that can devastate avocado crops.
I It is now widely believed that chef chefs’ blowtorches are also a major contr contributor to air pollution. One way of con controlling this would be to impose a swin swingeing crème brûlée tax.