Here’s to a warm welcome home
Fiona Gibson has some useful tips for parents with children returning for the Christmas holiday
Our twin sons left for university three years ago. In September their sister followed suit. Whereas there had been a major build-up when the boys moved out, this time it snuck up on us. Our daughter had been pretty independent all summer, waitressing and travelling, and then she was gone. Our flat was quiet, her room empty, our fridge no longer stuffed with her various plant milks and vegan cheese substitutes. We have now what our kids term a “sad fridge” with hardly anything in it (eggs, gherkins, ham) – but not for long. Christmas is looming and everyone is coming home.
The strange thing about having student offspring is that, as soon as you’ve adjusted to them living away, they ping back home again. You’re keen to see them, of course, but it’s a little anxiety-making, too. They are independent now – but so are we, and as homecoming day grows closer it feels a little like waiting for our own party to begin.
Remember when you’d hover about, fretting about your playlist as you set out dishes of nuts? That’s the feeling I have now. The party could be a huge success but, equally, it might end up in tears and shouting and someone deciding they will never come back.
To avoid any of that, here are some pointers on how to re-group harmoniously this Christmas …
1
No need to prepare for their homecoming as if Harry and Meghan are coming to stay. No point in redecorating their rooms or even buying new bed linen: home improvements will go uncommented upon, and the rooms you prepared so lovingly will be trashed.
2
Get all your showers and baths in now, as you will be unable to access the bathroom for the next fortnight.
3
Prepare for the mess. Within seconds, floors will be strewn with coats – hang on, not coats, students never wear coats. Trainers, then, plus rucksacks, unravelling sweaters and gnarled paperbacks. The dog will mooch around, sniffing at these unfamiliar obstacles.
4
Try not to fly on the defensive if someone says: “The dog’s got fat.”
5
Time your wine order carefully. If it arrives too soon, it’ll be guzzled by Christmas. It’s all the thrill of a free bar, and they don’t have to find their way home afterwards.
6
On the other hand, be prepared for your drinking to be monitored closely and commented upon (“Have you really tanked all that gin?”).
7
Be ready for your children to complain that there is “nothing to eat” – when your £475 grocery delivery arrived that very morning.
8
Buy cheap, industrial cheeses rather than handmade artisan varieties. You’re bound to wake up in the morning to find that someone has been hacking at them during the night, and left them all sitting out on the kitchen table.
9
If you’re trying to inspect your kids for signs of excessive partying/ drug consumption/ malnutrition, do it subtly. Family relations are never enhanced by comments about peaky complexions.
10
Accept that your kids will come and go as they please, despite your attempts to coax them to watch family movies or play board games. Do not try to track their movements. They are not 12.
11
Buy tons and TONS of loo roll, because teenagers use 10 times the amount we adults do. Have plumber on speed dial, as the loo is bound to mysteriously block.
12
Remember your children’s varying dietary principles when prepping Christmas dinner. But still find yourself panic-nuking that frozen nut roast when everything else has been served up.
13
Recognise that, when you fancy a chat with your kids, they will merely grunt and yawn at you. But when you’re shattered and craving bed, they will suddenly want to lecture you about politics for 100 hours.
14
Since they left home, you might have become used to strolling about in your pants and become a little more vocal during, ahem, nocturnal activities. However, remember they are back now and, even though they rarely surface before 2pm, they are programmed to hear everything. This also applies if you are whispering about them.
15
Beware the jar lid. Rather than screwing it back on properly – which would be too much effort – it has probably been rested loosely on top. So if you pick up those pickled onions by the lid, the jar will fall and smash to the floor.
16
Pick your battles. Someone breaking a bedroom window because they have been balancing perilously on the windowsill, smoking, probably warrants your wrath. But not if they have just forgotten to turn off the bathroom light.
17
Be prepared to be upset when it’s all over. Not even my children’s nativity plays had me welling up like seeing them staggering off to the train station, laden with all their Christmas loot. Roll on Easter. Then they can bring Dad’s pants back.
Living With Teens by Fiona Gibson is available on Amazon for Kindle, £2.99