IT MUST BE TRUE…

I read it in the tabloids

A man who has spent the past six years with his penis attached to his arm has said he feels like a “real man again” now that it’s been reattached to his groin. Malcolm MacDonald, 47, lost his penis to an infection that caused it to drop off into a toilet in 2010. Doctors created a replacement in 2015, but were forced to graft it onto his arm because of a lack of oxygen in his blood. In a film about his ordeal, MacDonald recalls helping an elderly woman at a supermarket with an item on a top shelf, only for his penis to pop out of his sleeve unexpectedly. “Can you imagine six years of your life with a penis swinging on your arm?” MacDonald asked. “It’s been a nightmare.”

A 38-year-old man from Tokyo who identifies as a “fictosexual” – someone with a sexual preference for fictional characters – says he can no longer talk to his hologram wife because her software has expired. Akihiko Kondo married Hatsune Miku, an animated 16-year-old, in 2018. The heartbroken school administrator insisted that his love for Miku “hasn’t changed”. “I thought I could be with her forever,” he said.

A four-year-old was picked up by police in the Dutch city of Utrecht last week, after going for a spin in his mother’s car. The boy crashed into two parked cars, then wandered off, unharmed, in his pyjamas. Police said he’d been woken up early, and had chosen to “go for a drive”. When he was taken to the scene of the crash, police asked him how the car worked; he put the key in the ignition, turned it on, and hit the accelerator. He was taken to the police station for a mug of cocoa.