“Freud said that the essence of the comic was the conservation of psychic energy. But then again Freud never played second house Friday night at Glasgow Empire.” — KEN DODD One fine day in the middle of the night, Two dead boys got up to fight. Back-to-back they faced one another, Drew their swords and shot each other. One was blind and the other couldn’t see, So they chose a dummy for a referee. A blind man went to see fair play, A dumb man went to shout “hooray!” A deaf policeman heard the noise, And came to arrest those two dead boys. A paralysed donkey passing by, Kicked the blind man in the eye, Sent him through a rubber wall, Into a dry ditch and drowned them all. (If you don’t believe this lie is true, Ask the blind man — he saw it too!) ANON ERIC: She’s a lovely girl. I’d like to marry
her, but her family objects. ERNIE: Her family? ERIC: Yes, her husband and four kids. The Morecambe and Wise Joke Book (1979)
The Definition of Cricket as Explained to an American
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out.
When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.
There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.
“I can’t sit still and see another man slaving and working. I want to get up and superintend, and walk round with my hands in my pockets, and tell him what to do. It is my energetic nature. I can’t help it.” — Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat (1889)
The Wit of Winston Churchill
“Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.”
“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
The Missing No. 10 Downing Street
WILLIUM (Peter Sellers): Well, sir, it’s like this, see. At 12.30 a monster lorry draws up outside, ten men jump out and wallop me on the head. I turn round to see who it was, and wallop, wallop, on my head again. I stood up, you see, have a quick barder, no one there and wallop, wallop, wallop, all on my head! As I took out my notebook, all official like, wallop! Wallop, wallop, on my head, all wallops all over my head. And then… SEAGOON (Harry Secombe): Yes, yes, yes, but did you notice anything about these men? WILLIUM: Yes. SEAGOON: What? WILLIUM: I noticed they kept walloping me on the head. — The Goon Show, 1957