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“Freud said that the essence of the comic was the con­ser­va­tion of psy­chic en­ergy. But then again Freud never played sec­ond house Fri­day night at Glas­gow Em­pire.” — KEN DODD One fine day in the mid­dle of the night, Two dead boys got up to fight. Back-to-back they faced one an­other, Drew their swords and shot each other. One was blind and the other couldn’t see, So they chose a dummy for a ref­eree. A blind man went to see fair play, A dumb man went to shout “hooray!” A deaf po­lice­man heard the noise, And came to ar­rest those two dead boys. A paral­ysed don­key pass­ing by, Kicked the blind man in the eye, Sent him through a rub­ber wall, Into a dry ditch and drowned them all. (If you don’t be­lieve this lie is true, Ask the blind man — he saw it too!) ANON ERIC: She’s a lovely girl. I’d like to marry

her, but her fam­ily ob­jects. ERNIE: Her fam­ily? ERIC: Yes, her hus­band and four kids. The More­cambe and Wise Joke Book (1979)

The Def­i­ni­tion of Cricket as Ex­plained to an Amer­i­can

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in un­til he’s out.

When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those com­ing in, out.

Some­times you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called um­pires who stay out all the time and they de­cide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, in­clud­ing those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

“I can’t sit still and see an­other man slav­ing and work­ing. I want to get up and su­per­in­tend, and walk round with my hands in my pock­ets, and tell him what to do. It is my en­er­getic na­ture. I can’t help it.” — Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat (1889)

The Wit of Win­ston Churchill

“Men oc­ca­sion­ally stum­ble on the truth, but most of them pick them­selves up and hurry off as if noth­ing had hap­pened.”

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is pre­pared for the great or­deal of meet­ing me is an­other mat­ter.”

The Miss­ing No. 10 Down­ing Street

WILLIUM (Peter Sell­ers): Well, sir, it’s like this, see. At 12.30 a mon­ster lorry draws up out­side, ten men jump out and wal­lop me on the head. I turn round to see who it was, and wal­lop, wal­lop, on my head again. I stood up, you see, have a quick barder, no one there and wal­lop, wal­lop, wal­lop, all on my head! As I took out my note­book, all of­fi­cial like, wal­lop! Wal­lop, wal­lop, on my head, all wal­lops all over my head. And then… SEAGOON (Harry Se­combe): Yes, yes, yes, but did you no­tice any­thing about these men? WILLIUM: Yes. SEAGOON: What? WILLIUM: I no­ticed they kept wal­lop­ing me on the head. — The Goon Show, 1957

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