ENGLISH HUMOUR
The death of comedy genius and chart-topping singer Sir Ken Dodd in March at the age of 90 was greeted with sadness across the country, but also with affection, smiles and unconcealed laughter. People who had seen him perform during an incredible career that spanned more than six decades (in shows that were famous for lasting several hours!) and a host of fellow entertainers were quick to pay tribute to the Squire of Knotty Ash’s unique talent and originality. There was also widespread satisfaction that shortly before his death Ken had, at last, received a knighthood: well-deserved recognition for which This England readers, who mounted a vigorous campaign, can take enormous credit. As our own special tribute, here are a few of Ken’s most tattyfilarious jokes. What a beautiful day for dashing into Trafalgar Square, chucking a bucket of whitewash over the pigeons and saying, “There you are, how do you like it?”
In Germany all the hims are Herrs.
The Romans built our roads. They’re still working on the M6. I come from a very old military family. My great-grandfather had a lot to do with the relief of Ladysmith. In fact she invited him back the following night.
A little old lady went to the doctor and said: “Can I have some more sleeping pills for my husband?” He said: “Why?” She said: “He woke up?”
It’s a posh audience here tonight. There are people in the front row eating chips with their gloves on.
Honolulu’s got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
I ran away with the circus. Oh, the circus people loved me. I was the only one who could get the tent back in its bag.
On Friday morning there was a tap on the door. He’s got a funny sense of humour that plumber.
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat…who’d have thought the gander would have done a thing like that!
If you don’t laugh at my jokes, I’ll follow you home and shout them through your letterbox.
I went to see a psychiatrist. He said: “What’s the matter?” I said “I think I’m a dog.” He said: “Lie on the couch.” I said: “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
What a beautiful day for ramming a cucumber through the vicar’s letterbox and shouting: “The Martians are coming!”
My dad loves Handel’s Largo — won’t drink anything else. I knew we were going to war in Afghanistan because I went past Vera Lynn’s house and heard her gargling.
After the show the audience carried me shoulder-high through the streets. I said “You mustn’t treat me like a hero”, they said “We’re taking you to the canal.”
My grandad goes to the Darby and Joan club. I don’t know what he does there, but he’s got three notches on his walking stick.
My Dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, “Is this a joke?”
The doctor said, “Do you have trouble passing water?” I said, “I get dizzy when I go over a bridge.” He said, “Do you have vertigo?” I said, “No, I only live round the corner.” Fifty-five years in showbusiness, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh.
Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife’s nightie and say: “There’s the chest freezer you always wanted.”
My big Auntie Nellie was on the beach at Blackpool. A man from the Corporation said, “Do you mind moving, please, the tide’s waiting to come in.”
I don’t do much television these days Why? Because I can’t cook.
Euphemisms. These are words people use to cover up. For instance: “A molecular reaction has restructured an urban environment in a new concept.” That means: “An atom bomb has just dropped on Wigan.”