WINDFALL IN THE WILD

It was on a woodland run in Wiltshire recently that something stopped Archie Thomas in his tracks: an odd-looking, mottled apple. It turned out to be a completely new type, thus joining around 2,500 other British varieties.

At the time of going to press, Archie hadn’t decided on a name. Will he go for something outlandish like the Pig’s Nose Pippin, so called for its flattish top, resembling a pig’s snout? Or biblical perhaps, like

Ten Commandments: an apple with 10 red spots around its core?

Of course, if inspiration doesn’t strike he can always ask us, the British people, who have excellent form in naming contests.

There was the polar research ship Boaty McBoatface, Mr Splashy Pants the Greenpeace whale, and the charming suggestions for Doncaster Council’s new gritters: David Plowie, Spready Mercury and Basil Salty.

Psst, Archie. We’re here if you need us!