WHEN RETRO GOES WRONG

FOR EVERY HIT, THERE’S A MISS...

Last month VW finally did the decent thing and announced that the Beetle will be euthanised and not replaced. What do we learn from this? Retro doesn’t just have to evoke something old – it only works if this something still resonates with today’s buyers.

Sure, lots of people in Britain still love the Beetle – the original one. But they’re classic-spannerers who enjoy nothing more than camping at a Bug festival, their ears still ringing from a Northern Soul cover band. They don’t buy new cars, Beetles or otherwise.

The Mini and the Fiat 500, on the other hand, do OK. They show that retro rehashes must also have something relevant to offer. The Mini is a great-to-drive, high-quality little hatch. The 500 is about the only style-led car in the baby-car market.

Even best-established pieces of automotive retro are doomed if some witless product manager gets too greedy with their brand-expansion riffing. The two-seat Mini ‘baseball cap’ Coupe? Really? The Fiat 500L? Bloater MPVs are never fashionable and a faked-up Fifties Roman nose and a bodycolour dash were never going to change that.

Jaguar stumbled with the S-Type. It harked back to the Mk II and the 1963 S-Type. But by the time the ‘new’ S-Type launched, the Mk II was all about Morse. More importantly, the S-Type was, let’s face it, ugly in proportion and hideous in detail. With a cheap interior and patchy dynamics to boot. Same applied to the other retro-lash-up that used the same platform, the Ford Thunderbird. Call that a poundshop BMW Z8.

Not, mind, that either the S-Type or the T’bird were as dire as the Plymouth Prowler. This was a ‘hot-rod’ without a V8, its boot smaller than its cupholder. You could buy a matching trailer to compensate for that latter problem, but the accessory catalogue didn’t include two extra cylinders.

A glance over the shoulder alone isn’t enough. Retro will unravel fast if it’s just about the styling.