DIARY OF A TEST DRIVER

Crack tester Timo Knees reports from the Arctic Circle, as he puts one of 2019’s big launches through its final paces

People often say, “Hey Timo! Visiting exotic locations, driving supercars as fast as possible – you must have the best job in the world!” To which I reply, yes I do! If by ‘exotic locations’ you mean ‘Finland’s frozen Arctic Circle’, and by ‘supercars’ you mean ‘a ‘North Korean budget supermini’, and by ‘as fast as possible’ you mean ‘at 50mph exactly, non-stop for an entire day’!

Yes, it’s been a big week in our development programme, culminating in the Cheery Bong II’s 24-hour reliability test. Normally such a test would be undertaken by a team of four drivers, but Rong Un Motors runs a lean operation. Our team comprises a) me, and b) Jari, who collects my reports twice a week and dispatches them to North Korea. Having written this down, I now realise Jari does not work for Rong Un, but in fact the Finnish postal service.

So, just me, driving for 24 hours straight. But still, cool thing to boast, no? 1,200 miles in a single day, the equivalent of London to the Amalfi Coast. Only without the changes of scenery. Or other cars. Or potential to see a lady. I miss ladies.

Anyhow, as it turned out, lucky break! Just nine hours into the reliability run, the Cheery Bong II suffered a catastrophic engine fire, forcing me to firstly abandon the test, and subsequently roll in the snow to extinguish the blaze in my crotch region. On the downside, one mildly scorched frenulum. On the upside, afternoon off work!

However, I have since been informed that Rong Un management do not view ‘being engulfed in a vast fireball’ as adequate reason for ceasing a test, and have docked me a week’s pay for insubordination. But as we test drivers always say: hey, you’ve got to laugh, or you’ll cry, unless your tear ducts are still blocked by the carcinogenic particles emitted in a recent vehicle fire!