THE MIDDLE LANE

TGTV script editor Sam Philip solves the autonomous car stand-off conundrum

The future of driving, we are told, is autonomous. This scares me. Not just because of the ‘inevitable enslavement of humans by the wheeled robots’ thing, but because I’m pretty sure self-driving cars won’t ever get their occupants where they need to go.

Consider the scene played out thousands of times each day in the British countryside. You’re driving down a single-track country lane. You meet a car coming the other way. One of you has to reverse, but who? You vaguely remember a layby a half a mile back, but maybe there’s one closer, behind the other car. Neither of you knows who’s got the shorter reverse, so, through a time-honoured combination of shrugging, gesturing and – let’s be honest – mild intimidation, one of you eventually relents and reverses.

But what happens when those two cars are self-driving? Which will yield? Sure, perhaps every car will be equipped with such an accurate, detailed map of Britain’s roads that they’ll both know the precise location of every pull-in and gateway, and can calculate which car has the shorter reverse. But as even the most sophisticated satnavs currently on the market cannot yet – I can confirm through repeated personal experience – distinguish between ‘dual carriageway’ and ‘Cornish hiking path’, I fear this may not be a realistic proposition for a couple of centuries.

So here’s what will happen when two self-driving cars meet on a narrow country lane. Nothing. Neither will reverse, they shall both sit there, locked in unsolvable stalemate until their occupants wither and die. BBC policy guidelines prevent me from inserting a Brexit punchline here, but feel free to do so yourself.

Another example. That weirdly common moment where four drivers all arrive at the four lanes entering a mini-roundabout at precisely the same time. Human drivers resolve this Mexican stand-off through what might be politely termed ‘constructive pushiness’, the most impatient driver eventually edging forwards, thus releasing the blockage. With four self-driving cars, all running identical algorithms, there are only two possible solutions here. One, all four cars wait at the entrance to the roundabout, forever. Two, all four cars lurch forward at exactly the same moment, causing an enormous crash. Either way, bad news for the human passengers getting to their dental check-up on time.

But fear not, autonomous driving enthusiasts, because I have foreseen the solution to this (definitely not entirely overblown) problem. I call it the Arse Spectrum, and this is how it will work. In the speed-limited, autonomous future, paying more money for your car won’t get you any extra power, or space, or luxury. It will get you a pushier bastard of a car. The more you spend, the higher your car’s ranking on the Arse Spectrum, the more aggressive its self-driving manners. When two self-driving cars meet on a narrow country lane, they shall exchange Arse Spectrum ratings, and the lesser arse shall yield to the greater arse. Money will always talk, and in the future, mark my words, it shall get you a larger arse.

“IN THE FUTURE, PAYING MORE MONEY WILL GET YOU A PUSHIER BASTARD OF A CAR”