DIARY OF A TEST DRIVER

Crack tester Timo Knees reports from the Arctic Circle, as he puts one of 2019’s big launches through its final paces

Did you know that, in the first 10 years of a new car’s life, its driver’s seat will be sat upon 25,000 times? I do, because that’s what I was ordered to do in the Cheery Bong II this week. You might imagine – as I did when I took this job – that the life of an automotive tester is all ‘skidding supercars around the Nürburgring’ and ‘being seduced by uninhibited ladies’. But there’s far more to it than that. Before it goes on sale, a new car’s every component – even a car made by a company with as limited regard for human safety as Rong Un Motors – must be tested for reliability. Window winders must be wound. Choke levers must be pulled. And seats must be sat upon, again and again, to simulate a decade of abuse at the hands of a bottom, if you see what I mean.

Ford has an automaton dedicated to this very task. It is called ‘the Robutt’. However, my paymasters at Rong Un Motors consider robots ‘a capitalist conspiracy’ and also ‘more expensive than Mr Crash Test Dummy’. (This is their nickname for me. Total lads.)

So, long story short, I was ordered to test the sturdiness of the Rong Un’s driver’s seat, by sitting down upon it 25,000 times. In a single day. As my paymasters pointed out, this was a generous, albeit compulsory, opportunity. It’s tough to get a chance to do much exercise up here in the Arctic Circle, and hey, how many people can boast that they’ve got in and out of a car 25,000 times in a single day?

Well, not me, as it turned out. Because after just seven hours of sitting and standing, and only one ruptured cruciate ligament, the Cheery Bong II suffered a predictable yet catastrophic engine fire, despite its engine not in fact being switched on at the time. Since I managed to limp away from the fireball largely unscathed, I have, of course, been fined a week’s wages for lack of dedication.