100M SPRINT
Anything Usain Bolt can do, this quartet can do slower, right?
TEAM JAPAN 1ST
A convincing victory for Japan with the Mazda barely breaking a sweat, despite being on completely standard road tyres. Webb-san – otherwise known as Mario – managed the grip levels perfectly off the line and coasted home. We’ll have no more of this purchase price sledging from Team AmeriKa or the Germans either. Team Japan compete with honour, and when that doesn’t work, we shout about the fact that the MX-5 was actually the cheapest car here. It set us back just £200 thanks to some fairly major alternator issues, and even with a fix it came in under budget. GP
TEAM AMERIKA 2ND
We knew we stood a chance here, based on the lack of skill on display from the only real competition in the form of Japan and its creative interpretation of ‘£350 purchase price’. Yes, the AmeriKa was probably sporting less than 50bhp, but a set of knobbly tyres nicked from a quad and its light weight meant we were in the running – an impression cemented when Germany smashed their entire undertray off during the practice run. Masterful use of analogue launch control by pilot Kew (burning the clutch out against a firmly held handbrake) brought us a well deserved second place. And the moral victory. TF
TEAM GERMANY 3RD
Having never seen the A6 tanker turn a wheel until it rolled off the outrageously luxurious transporter, we had no idea what to expect in a sprint. But it had a set of rings on the front of it, so was a born Olympian. But the stats were against us... even if the car had been brand new. With the Audi weighing in at 1,480kg, the titchy AmeriKa and fraudulent MX-5 had us pipped. However, that was also probably the weight of the galumphing Team GB’s rear axle. The badge on the back said 1.9 litres, so it should be an 8v inline-four good for 128bhp and a 0–62mph of 10.5 seconds. That wasn’t the case. As it appeared we had quite an issue. No boost. We were effectively running without a turbo for the whole day. Which is like Usain Bolt doing the 100m sprint in a pair of size four stilettos.
TEAM GB 4TH
Always good to get some points on the board early doors, is it not? So you can imagine our dismay when the first event rolled around... 100m sprint. Ah. A couple of practice runs did little to offer much hope: last and, er, last again. Still, such was the snail pace of the black cab that I had arguably the best seat in the house as Team AmeriKa and Team Japan locked horns in a close call finish, with Team Germany not far behind. Slow and steady we may have been, win the race we did not. But nothing quite like giving the competition false hope, is there?
TEAM GB 1ST
You know what they say – if you haven’t fired a bow and arrow out of a moving black cab, you’ve never had a ‘proper’ night out in Soho. This was our opportunity, then, to justify Team GB’s pre-tournament hype, mostly by ourselves on the group WhatsApp. Now, elite archery requires a steady hand, eyesight of a hawk, upper body strength and flawless technique. We had a short man in a cheap morph suit who had never once fired a bow in his life. And yet isn’t that what events like this are about? The Eric the Eels, the Eddie the Eagles, the other plucky underdogs named after animals. So with blind hope more than anything, Jack knelt down in the back of a filthy taxi and loosed his arrows slightly nearer to the middle of the target than anyone else. A win that literally nobody saw coming, including us.
TEAM JAPAN 2ND
Having stolen some extra practice attempts while photographer Mark was getting a shot of the glorious sight of Mario firing suction arrows from the open roof of a moving Mazda MX-5, Team Japan was confident heading into this most technical of disciplines. When it mattered, two arrows into the outer rings of the board made for a respectable mid-range score, which suddenly looked much better than average as Germany failed to get anywhere near the target. Second place was secured, although we couldn’t escape the feeling that the fans were expecting a victory here given the obvious advantages provided by a cabrio.
TEAM AMERIKA 3RD
Bullish into the second round event, Sam drove like a demon at 5mph in an almost straight line past the target, while Ford shot from the passenger sill of the, er, Ford. Chosen as resident bushman/archer on the basis that he owns a multitool and once camped, Ford scored well on the passengerside run and prepped for the win.
Unfortunately, Sam’s valiant attempt to cheat by slowing down on the return leg fatally confused Ford, who then fired his remaining arrow into his own roof, causing a ‘nul point’ situation. A situation that resolved into a disappointing third place given the complete and utter hopelessness of Team Germany.
TEAM GERMANY 4TH
In hindsight, getting the tallest and lankiest member to fire at a moving target while standing on the sill with the door open probably wasn’t our finest idea (don’t try this at home kids). A situation not improved by our quite frankly award winning* (*requires ratification by governing body) livery stripes that had in fact sealed the rear windows completely shut, topped off with our second tallestslash-lankiest member, Rowan “lead foot” Horncastle, thinking he was still in the 100m race. Essentially, our fate was sealed in the planning phase. Nul points.
“TEAM JAPAN WAS CONFIDENT HEADING INTO THIS DISCIPLINE”