CHRIS HARRIS

We’re all drawn to different body styles, says Chris. Only some of them are objectively worse than others...

“BMW’S 5 GT IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE ULTIMATE BODY DERIVATIVE CLUSTER BOMB”

Strange what a slight difference in body style can do to alter the way we feel about a car. Take the new LR Defender – the car the Discovery 5 should have been. As a three-door, on those little white steel wheels and plump, knobbly rubber it is a thing of rare joy because it’s an off-roader that seems fit for purpose. And to my eyes it looks superb – the short wheelbase, the stepped roof and the swollen arches make me think ‘Landy’. And smile.

Add two doors and some wheelbase and I’m thinking ‘Land yacht’. The five-door Defender loses all the chirpy Tonka toy appeal of its stumpy brother and presents a kind of boring uncle frumpiness that my limited understanding of car design doesn’t allow me to explain properly.

And these quirks have always been the case. Twists on a theme elicit very different reactions from people – mostly they are just personal responses, sometimes they have a broader cultural reference. Some countries just don’t like hatchbacks and prefer saloons. No one knows why, they just do.

BMW clearly likes estate cars. Can you name a single one of its saloon cars that isn’t better looking as an estate? I can’t – but then I’m an estate car fanboy and prefer just about everything formatted for carrying dogs. But if I try to deploy some level of scrutiny to that BMW statement, even a thicko like me can suggest lines and shapes and proportions that are more pleasing when the Bavarian art department thinks ‘labrador’ rather than ‘sales targets’. As for the 5-Series GT, pass me the chuck bucket.

Actually, the 5 GT is an example of the ultimate body derivative cluster bomb: the ‘Chinese market’ version. Now mechanically, this can mean many things: bigger, smaller, faster, slower. But there is only one consistent attribute to all cars that we are told were made specifically for the Chinese market – they all look a bit rubbish. The 5 GT is a 5-Series whose proportions have been subtly adjusted in the name of crapness. Why the Chinese appear to like slightly wonky versions of good-looking things isn’t clear, but they are just the latest in a long line of nations who seem to have a strange approach to the automotive aesthetic, or perhaps have just had one foisted upon them. Brazil used to suffer some very strange variations on European hatchbacks, as did corners of Africa. It was a bit like the scene in Toy Story 3 when all the dolls had limbs from other, more sinister creatures. Car cyborgs.

Sometimes these changes lead to remarkable partisan behaviour: in the late Nineties a modified VW Vento driver considered themselves a completely different species to a Golf owner, despite being separated by a boot and a pair of headlights and I can completely understand why.

It’s down to car tribalism – we attach ourselves to something we like and that becomes a safe place. There will be three-door Defender lovers and people who think the long body is elegant, and the short one a mere childish novelty. And that’s the way the world works. Until, sometimes, you reach the shattering conclusion that the body style tribe you choose is full of people you find a tad obnoxious. And that’s when you sell the X6.