HOW TO DO OFF-ROAD
Every great off-roader is nothing without his spotter. That is, if you can understand the hand signals
INTEPRETING SPOTTER’S SIGNALS
WHAT KIND OF OFF-ROADER ARE YOU? NO PREP KING
Has a tarp to sleep under and no equipment to speak of save a small knife. Forages for everything, drinks their own wee. Has a beard. Will insist they are “in tune” with nature while being starving hungry, freezing cold and with severe intestinal issues after eating roadkill. WEARS: Grandfather’s tweed overcoat and plastic bags on feet. DRIVES: Subaru Forester Gen 1 with 250k+ on the clock, a tailgate held closed with bailing wire and mismatched remoulds.
WEEKEND WARRIOR
Has every single gadget ever invented. Will insist they they are “ready for anything” but gets completely foxed trying to engage their own diff locks. Has panic attack when the GPS loses signal for more than 30secs and not in sight of a Pret a Manger. WEARS: Lots of Gore-Tex, possibly fluorescent. Always a WARN winch cap. DRIVES: A highly polished, modified ‘Spectre’ LR Defender with recovery equipment bolted to the sides, and lots of spotlights.
PROPER OFF-ROADER
Generally quiet, exceptionally practical, and will always pick the easiest route. Carries only vital equipment, and can fix anything with gaffer tape, hose clamps and zip ties. Will always have a bottomless Thermos of strong tea.
WEARS: Work overalls and a waterproof ski jacket, sturdy boots and a bobble hat. DRIVES: An ageing diesel Toyota Hilux. May have splashed out on some modest all-terrain tyres and some Amazon Basics spotlights.
ON-ROADER
The person that has a gleaming 4x4 with 24-inch chrome alloys and rubber band tyres, and has no idea how his machine actually works, or what mud is. Will drive at 100 per cent max in snow. Has fitted some sort of bodykit to vehicle that actually limits its usefulness outside of a Waitrose car park. WEARS: White £400 trainers, expensive leisurewear, too much white gold. DRIVES: A Khan/Urban Range Rover Sport, pimped G-Wagen or Porsche Cayenne GTS.