THE MIDDLE LANE
BMW’s pay-per-month plan has caused a storm... TGTV’s Sam Philip has thoughts on the matter
“BMW is now selling subscriptions for heated seats in a number of countries A monthly subscription costs roughly with options to subscribe for a year three years or pay for “unlimited” access for ” The Verge July
Morning Simon! Jane from the Executive Subscriptions team here how are you today?
Very well too thanks Now it’s coming up to three years since you bought your car So I’m just calling to check From next month onwards would you like your brakes to continue working?
You would? That’s great news In which case I’ll get you set up with an ongoing subscription to our Brake Functionality service It’s pounds a month or you can pay annually and save—
No no calm down Simon I can assure you nothing wrong with your brakes They will continue to work perfectly For the next two weeks After which point as things stand they will not
Don’t be daft Simon We’re not going to come round and physically remove the brakes from your car We’re not insane! It’s simply that as of next month your fully functional safe brakes will cease to be operated by your brake pedal That’s the joy of these modern drivebywire systems Simon
“YOU ASSUMED THE BRAKES WOULD CONTINUE WORKING FOR THE LIFETIME OF THE CAR?”
Incredibly dangerous you say? Well that depends what you’re planning on doing with your car In the Executive Subscriptions team we understand that every customer is different and we don’t want you paying for features you’ll never make use of! If you live in say the Sahara no point in coughing up for heated seats And if you’re planning on using your car as say an ornamental terrapin house why would you need a functioning brake pedal?
You assumed the brakes would continue working for the lifetime of the car? That’s an adorably oldfashioned view Simon Are you still buying your music on cassette from the local Woolworths? Or do you have a Spotify account? You do? And if you stopped paying Spotify do you assume they’d continue giving you all that adless music for free? You can say “in no way analogous” as many times as you like Simon but I can assure you it’s right there in your contract Page
Did you not question why your car was quite so cheap up front? Think of it as us helping to spread the financial burden of vehicle ownership If pounds a month sounds a bit steep I can offer you our Basic Braking Function package? For just nine pounds a month we’ll make your frontleft brake operational between the hours of pm and am How does that sound?
You’ll go for the full Executive Braking Function package? Yes ‘begrudgingly’ I’ll note that Excellent choice I’ll get that processed for you right away And while I’ve got you on the line Simon Going forward do you plan to continue using your steering wheel?
Sam Philip is the TopGear telly script editor, and a TG mag and website regular for 15 years. Once wrote a Vauxhall Corsa joke that Paddy McGuinness described as “not totally crap”