STONEHENGE BUILDERS “SAID NO TO SAUSAGES” – MORRISSEY
THE archaeological world could be forced to rewrite their textbooks in the light of ex Smiths front-twat Morrissey’s latest pronouncement. For the 57-year-old miserablist claims that the prehistoric men who built Stonehenge were strict vegetarians. At a sparsely attended press conference, the mouthy gobshite, whose hit songs include Girlfriend in a Coma and This Charming Man, announced that the builders of the giant neolithic monument ate nothing but fruit, nuts and pulses. “It’s obvious,” he told reporters. “Anyone who ate meat, which incidentally is murder, would spend all their time suffering terrible constipation from all the rotting animals and sausages stuck in their bowels for years on end.”
“They’d be sat on the toilet all the day, straining to force out a copper bolt. And when they’d finished, they’d have given themselves such bad piles they’d have been in no fit state to pull their pants up, never mind manhandle a 50 ton rock,” he continued.
“Stonehenge was clearly built by people who enjoyed quick, inout visits to the lavatory for soft, fibre-rich stools that slipped out like otters off the bank with little or no pushing required, and that’s vegetarians,” he said.
“It was clearly a case of one to wipe, one to polish, and then straight back to work on the henge,” he added.
The theory was questioned by Wiltshire county archaeologist Pro- fessor Dave ‘Fit’ Finlay, who told us that excavations of Salisbury Plain had uncovered extensive evidence of meat-eating in Neolithic times. “We have found butchered and burnt bones from pigs, rabbits and deer in middens near to the site of Stonehenge,” he told us. “And whilst this isn’t conclusive proof that the builders of the monument were not exclusively vegetarian, it is certainly compelling evidence pointing to the fact that meat may have formed at least some part of their diet.”
However, Morrissey was quick to rubbish Professor ‘Fit’ Finlay’s suggestion. “Didn’t happen. Fake news,” he told us.