BRUSH WITH THE LAW
YOUR bristled implement legal queries answered by Viz’s in-house brush lawyer, Mr Quercus Petraea, QC
Dear Mr Petraea, QC,
On April Fools’ Day this year, we were staying at my sister’s and I decided it would be an amusing prank to stick my brother-in-law’s toothbrush up my arse. Unfortunately, however, my brother-in-law uses an electric toothbrush, and once the bristled head was fully inserted into my anus, I accidentally switched the mechanism on, thus painfully rupturing my anal cavity. The resulting rectal fissure has since become infected by faecal bacteria, and I have subsequently had to take TWO MONTHS off work at reduced pay. Do I have a claim against my brother-in-law for the injury I incurred whilst using his toothbrush? Bert Felch, Hammersmith
Mr Petraea, QC, says:
“You certainly do, Mr Felch. Your brother-in-law knew full well that it was April Fools’ Day, and, as such, any of his smallto-medium-sized personal items (including stationery, cutlery, or indeed any kind of brush) could well find their way into a friend or relative’s anus. By failing to ensure that his electric toothbrush was out of batteries, your brother-in-law KNOWINGLY put your rectal safety at risk - and he must pay the price for it. I would recommend hiring a solicitor to pursue him through the courts until he pays up. That will be £350.”
Dear Mr Petraea, QC,
I am a burglar who also happens to be bald, and while breaking into a house a few months back I came across a beautiful gold and diamond-embossed hairbrush on the nightstand. The item’s obvious value meant I could not afford to leave it behind, but ever since stealing it, it has just sat there smugly on my mantelpiece, taunting me about my lack of hair. I have become extremely depressed as a result, and haven’t done any burgling for weeks, which has led to me missing my latest electric bill and having my power cut off. Am I entitled to compensation from the hairbrush’s owner(s)? Darren Theft, Chelmsford
Mr Petraea, QC, says:
“You are indeed, Mr Theft. If your victims were wealthy enough to afford a precious stone-encrusted hairbrush, they must also have known they were likely to be burgled at some point. Their decision to leave that brush lying about represents a clear failure to consider the emotional impact of male pattern baldness within the burgling community: a fact that is morally - and legally - unforgivable. My advice would be to seek representation immediately and pursue your victims through the courts until they a) pay up or b) have the decency to cover the cost of a hair transplant and/or toupee, so you can begin burgling again with a fully replenished sense of self-esteem. That will be £500.”
Dear Mr Petraea, QC,
I am a fairly high-ranking Canterbury-based Anglican Archbishop. I was recently at the house of another prominent member of the Anglican Church, and was using his toilet after a heavy meal of black pudding, chocolate gateau and four pints of Guinness. Upon flushing the lavatory, I realised I had left some rather unsightly marks at the bottom of the bowl, but when I looked around for a toilet brush, there was none to be found. As such, I was forced to leave the stains unscrubbed, and I have since been subjected to a barrage of mockery and harassment from my fellow clergymen, many of whom have begun calling me ‘Skidmark Welby’. Do I have a case against the owner of this brush-less lavatory for the damage he has done to both my personal and professional reputation? Name withheld by request, Canterbury
Mr Petraea, QC, says:
“I’m afraid this is something of a grey area. Whilst every UK lavatory is legally required to provide toilet paper, air freshening spray and something to read, there is no actual law stating that a brush must be present. As any good lawyer will tell you, what you should have done in that situation was to ball up a load of toilet tissue and dump it into the bowl, without flushing. This would have temporarily hidden your unsightly faecal stains, which could then have been blamed on the next person who flushed the toilet. That will be £600.” Have YOU got a legal enquiry about literally any sort of brush whatsoever? Why not write in to: ‘Brush with the Law’, c/o Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ