Lettericks
THE
world is really unfair at times. I have lived a good life and never hurt anyone, yet last week I got stung on the leg off a wasp. I bet people in prison never get stang. Why don’t these spiteful insects just sting murderers and paedophiles and leave the rest of us alone?
Hector Golightly, Goole
NOTICED that C. Quim of Bristol (Letterbocks 279) writes in about his “weekly” tug. Weekly? Come off it, we all know what people from Bristol are like.
Kent House, Finsbury Park
I’M surprised Lee Harvey Oswald wasn’t caught sooner than he was at that book depository. Surely the librarian would have gone straight over to investigate where the noise was coming from when he started shooting. All the ones I’ve ever come across go apeshit if they so much as hear a text coming through on your phone. Jack Rubyson, Cromer
YOU never hear of hijackers demanding that airline pilots take them to Cuba any more. Now that Castro is dead, I sincerely hope their tourist industry picks up once again.
Edna Crumbhorn, Derby
MY mum named me after a popular brand of trouser press that was in the hotel room where I was conceived. I wonder if any of your other readers have been named after brands of trouser press.
Corby Dullsworth, Luton
* Well, readers, have you been named after a brand of trouser press, or indeed any type of equipment involved in the flattening of garments, such as an iron or mangle? Write in and let us know.
LAST night I dreamt that I had a badly soiled bottom which I was desperate to wipe in some kind of privacy. However in my dreamy urban environment, every time I dropped my trousers by a building or tree, a group of children would walk round the corner, some office workers would lean out of a window, or a bus full of nuns would drive past. I wondered if any other readers have had a dream that almost exactly replicates a Viz cartoon. Robert Brew, email
I
WONDER if I could try my new mind-reading act on your readers. If they go and get a pen or pencil and draw something, I will reveal what it is at the end of the Letterbocks page.
Col Percy Fawcett, Durham
APPARENTLY
there’s a new film out called First Man. Well, call me Mr. Cynical, but I don’t believe the film was made at all. It was probably all filmed on a studio lot and a sound stage using actors instead of real astronauts.
Bartram Cravenly, Luton
HOW come
James Bond always says, “Bond...James Bond” whenever he checks into a hotel? It’s not that common a name, although in larger hotels I suppose there is a chance that other Bonds may have made reservations.
Frampton Dubois, Hertford
WAY
is it that, whenever Amsterdam features on the telly, they show that same farty little bridge over the canal? Maybe if the residents laid off the jazz cabbage for ten minutes they could build themselves an impressive cathedral instead, or a hill to plonk a great big statue on.
Robert White, Sowerby Bridge
I
DO wish my work mate would stop prattling on about his son. It’s all “Oh he has two teeth now,” or “He said his first word last week.” I could tell him that my son had just got his forklift truck licence, but I don’t play those “one-upmanship,” games, thank you very much.
Tom Barnstorm, London
I’M
no Sherlock Holmes, but surely it would have been a piece of piss to catch Jack the Ripper. We all know he only came out when it was foggy, so why didn’t the cops simply wait for a foggy night and look out for a posh bloke in a top hat, carrying a big knife?
Arthur Doyle, Edinburgh
I
CAN’T believe how sensitive my wife has become lately. She always gets mad with me when I mention in company that she had liposuction at a clinic in Wolverhampton. Alright, I should have said Leicester. But, come on... Wolverhampton… Leicester… It’s no big deal.
Tarquin Bucklesby, Nottingham
MY
old man liked a pint or two, and I do too, but I look nothing like him. Let’s see the so-called genetics experts explain that.
Ted Leicester, Stilton
AS
a voter, I always feel very reassured when British politicians talk about ‘ordinary people’. Let’s hope they never lose that common touch.
E Talkabout, Pop Music
I’VE just made a massive “Minge” for my living room wall out of 981 plastic bottle caps. Have any of your other readers created any other over-sized smutty typographical artwork? Steve Lovell, Leeds
I DON’T know what all the fuss is about this scented bog roll. When I wipe my arse, the paper stinks of just one thing. Waste of bloody money. Rip off Britain!
Chester Dicklick, St Helens
THEY reckon that Pablo Escobar was raking in about $70 million per day at the height of his cocaine production business. That may be so, but despite his fleet of luxury cars, string of beautiful mistresses, personal zoo and extensive fleet of planes, you have to ask yourself… was he happy?
Danny Ocarina, Goole
WHAT a con these so-called ‘internet scams’ are. Only the other day I was contacted by a Nigerian prince who wanted to transfer all his inheritance into my bank account. Imagine my surprise when, instead of putting money into it he withdrew £15,000. What’s more that’s the third time it’s happened. I certainly shan’t be doing that again.
Mike Hatchard, St Leonards on Sea
I DON’T know why everyone was moaning about the recent fishing dust-up with the French over scallops or some shit. I thought it was brilliant with boats smashing into each other and everything. We should get together with them, work out a few rules about how to score points, and do it every year. Matt, London
ACCORDING to some Americans, if it wasn’t for their intervention in the Second World War, we’d all be speaking German. That might be true, at least we’d be drinking better lager and we’d have Oktoberfest, instead of Budweiser and trick or fucking treat.
Iain Devenney, Oxford
ABOUT a fortnight ago, I did a fart in my bathroom, and it coincided with a lot of very jovial laughter in my neighbours’ garden. I have since wondered if they were they laughing at me, or at something else entirely. Is it too late or too nosey to ask them? I would be grateful if any of your readers could advise me.
Mr B Jesus, Eastbourne
MITCHELL Brantub
(Letterbocks 279) might be pleasantly surprised to ride a penny farthing with 50p shaped wheels. That’s because the 50p piece has the shape of an equilateral curved heptagon, or Reuleaux polygon, which is a shape of constant width, just like a circle. That’s why you can use them in fruities.
John Shimwell, London
You are absolutely correct, John, but according to physicists, the centre of rotation would move about, so it would be a right fucker to pedal.
WHY is it that the people who have cosmetic surgery are already quite attractive? Surely ugly people would benefit from it more?
Tom Aspel, Dorking
IN these days of equality is it not about time we had more women burgling houses? Come on ladies, get robbing, and don’t forget to shit on the bed on the way out.
Carlton Finn, Leatherhead
WHILST staying with my girlfriend’s parents recently, I noticed a light-hearted sign in their toilet which read: “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down!” So after a rather heavy night out during which I consumed two extra spicy Thai Kaeng Kari Kais and a whole bottle of banana liqueur, I left my resulting neonyellow diarrhoea to “mellow” in the toilet bowl overnight. You should have heard the fuss in the morning.
T Ellen, Paris
CALL me controversial, but I don’t think that Trump is much good as the President.
Ben, Whitstable
WHEN supertit Sting finally pops his clogs, will they write ‘Sting’ or ‘Gordon’ in flowers on his coffin? ‘Gordon’ would be more sombre and respectful, but ‘Sting’, being a letter shorter, would be cheaper at the florist. I hope he and Trudi discuss this matter well in advance. Kelvin Celsius, Fratton
I LOVE putting the song Jump by Van Halen on really loud and then defiantly sitting down all the way through. No one tells me what to do.
Dean Moncaster, Leeds
I WAS reading that over 500 people have been into space. However, when the Apollo, Space Shuttle and Mir astronauts were on telly none of them were ever heard to swear. I’m pretty sure I would have turned the air blue if I had been launched into the sky on top of a firework filled with other people’s farts for a week. Col Percy Fawcett, Durham
IT
was with some dismay that I realised that the girl having her arse kissed by that bloke is probably in her sixties by now, perhaps even seventies, and these days she would be hard-pressed finding someone who would want to kiss her arse. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Which I am.
Gary Ireland, Tauranga
HAS
it crossed anyone’s mind that the picture of the bloke kissing that bird’s arse might in fact be a picture of the bloke
inspecting her arse as opposed to going in for a peck. Looking at her face she seems pretty confident that everything is in order and it’s going to get the thumbs up.
Mike Fordham, Chelmsford
THE
New Statesman always features a Subscriber of the Month, and one of the questions they ask them is ‘what page do you flick to first?’ However, I saw a copy of it today and noticed they seem to have dropped this particular question. Perhaps someone told them it could be interpreted in different ways. Viz could feature a Subscriber of the Month section, although don’t ask me as I won’t do it. Simon, Hove
THE
expression that ‘One man’s meat is another man’s poison’ dates back to at least 1576 in English, and has its origins in antiquity. Which just goes to show that vegans have been a pain in the arse for a very long time.
Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura I’VE just come back from New York, and it’s a load of rubbish - it’s nothing like York. Where’s the cobbled streets? Where’s the Viking museum? Ben, Whitstable
ANY
time I see blood on my toilet paper, I like to lighten the mood by singing the fact to the tune of Aerosmith’s ‘Love in an Elevator’. Hey presto - things don’t seem so bad. Seriously though, get it checked out.
Alan Fissure, Tring
I
THINK that dogging is a sordid and disgusting activity. It’s a sorry state of affairs when you can’t pull into a secluded lay-by for a quick wank without some dirty so-and-so peering at you through your car window. Dan, Deal
THAT
TV advert where the woman is caught by her husband having it off in bed with a giantM&M is bollocks. I don’t think any woman would want to have carnal relations with a large candy covered chocolate bean, unless it was shaped like a big shiny cock. And what’s with the yellow one hiding in the wardrobe? Did he expect sloppy seconds or was he just having a voyeuristic wank?
Bob P, Kendal
APPARENTLY
it takes 30 pressed apples to make a pint of cider, so ten pints of White Lightning gets you your five-a-day done in no time at all. I’d like to see sugar-hater Jamie Oliver explain that fucker, I can tell you.
Iain Devenney, Oxford
WAY
don’t we see people leaving the dentist with a bandage round their face any more?
Jayne, Pissoff
I
CAN’T see what all the fuss is about with these ‘Escape rooms’ everyone is doing these days. I did one recently and simply picked up a bin and smashed it through the window. I was out in under 30 seconds. Where’s the challenge in that?
Lee Rivers, Cork
THESE
Remainiacs keep banging on about how Brexit will be bad for us. But I can’t wait until we can rename Snickers back to Marathon and show these Johnny foreigners that we are the bosses of our own confectionery.
The Legendary Steve Cade, Bolton
I ONCE blew off in the Alexandra Palace next to Brian May out of Queen. It caused a certain amount of agitation on his part, as I remember. Can any reader beat that?
Fat Al White, Wrenthorpe,
IF
anyone asks me what my favourite film is, I always say Herbie goes to Monte Carlo, even though I’ve never seen it. Can any of your readers beat that?
Bert Bourgignon, Leith
LOADS
of people are terrified of spiders, so it occurred to me that one way to make them a bit less scary would be to superglue little party hats onto their heads. Have any of your readers tried this, and if so, does it work?
Rhydderch Wilson, Swansea
I
RECENTLY picked up a tube of Anusol and noticed that it boasts the words “three-way action.” I’ll give it a whirl, but I have to say that it’s incredibly optimistic, particularly given the state of my undercarriage.
Bobert Arsemassacre, Glasgow I WONDER if any of your expert learned readers could tell me anything about pylons? I’ve always been intrigued.
Mr B Jesus, Eastbourne
WHOEVER
stopped hiring Jimmy Nail to appear on television certainly knew what they were doing. Let’s get them to run the hospitals or schools or whatever else it is that’s not working.
Steve Fondue, Timperley
I
HAVE just cooked a nice gammon joint for tea. After removing it from the oven, the instructions advised me to let it rest for five minutes before serving. Surely it’s me that should be entitled to a rest? All the ham did was sit in the oven for an hour while I was busy peeling and chopping carrots, and setting the table.
Jane Hoole Garner, St. Ives
WITH
reference to my mind reading act. You drew a big cock and balls with all hairs and that, didn’t you?
Col Percy Fawcett, Durham