The Viz Letterbocks VIP Roped-off Area

I’M Kate Robbins, sister of Ted Robbins, and I consider myself a celebrity in my home town. I’m also related to Sir Paul McCartney and I regularly make chutney for him. I was disheartened to see your shoddy treatment of my sibling’s request to be included in the new RopedOff VIP area. However I’m not that loyal to him and would happily slag him off if you were to let me in instead.

Kate Robbins, email

ISSUE 280 invited letters from “anybody really” for inclusion in the VIP Roped-off area. With two other mates, I‘ve recently formed a band called TOG 67. We’ve issued two singles and a debut album (all now widely available), and we think we’re the dog’s bollocks. However, all our mates say we’re crap. Inclusion in your VIP Roped-off area would give us that added kudos to enable us to make the transition from below-average wannabees to global superstars. Any chance?

Charlie Sord, Canterbury

The Viz Roped-Off area was intended to be a safe haven for stars’ letters, a sanctuary where their correspondence could relax, away from the missives of the other riffraff readers. However, it seems to have turned into a dossing area for Paul McCartney’s wider family and fledgling rock bands. Where is Scarlett Johanssen’s letter? Where are the few lines from Brad Pitt and his entourage? If the quality of celebrity doesn’t improve, we will have no alternative but to close down the VIP area.