ROGER’S PROFANISAURUS

Amelia Earhart 1. n. prop. Famous US aviator who disappeared in 1937, although the

Daily Mail is forever announcing they’ve found her glasses or her teeth or her knickers on some godforsaken Pacific island somewhere. 2. n. Nickname bestowed upon a lady who, after being wined and dined, announces she’s going to the bog and flies off into the night, never to be seen again.

ant-man 1. n. Marvel comic book superhero who uses shrinking technology to go right small or some such similar bollocks. 2. n. Nom de guerre

of an ugly fellow who, when it comes to women, “pulls three times his own weight”.

arse gargle n. An horrendously wet clearing of the nether throat that is performed at the bathroom sink every morning.

ball bags breakfast 1. phr. A recent, unfortunate BBC news headline when Zoe Ball was announced as the new Radio 2 morning programme host. 2.

phr. sim. Used, albeit with an added apostrophe, when suffering a particularly dispiriting hangover. ‘And how are you doing this morning, your holiness?’ ‘Fuck me. I feel like a ball bag’s breakfast.’

bedside sock, tough as a sim.

Said of an overdone steak, say, an intractable diplomatic problem, or a particularly nails cage fighter. See also hard as Tarzan’s feet; hard as Elvis’s last turd.

blow flak en. A fastidious old maid who just won’t. breastfallen adj. Deflated and downcast after discovering

that not quite a new up squeeze’s to the quality mams that are might pected. have been hoped or exbrown mile, the euph. The abject, seemingly endless walk home a person endures after having sharted. bushwhacked n. Knackered as a result of sexual intercourse.

‘Fancy a game of table tennis, Ben?’ ’Not tonight, Linzi. I’m proper bushwhacked.’

buy one get one free euph. Forgetting to scan every other item at the self service till in your local supermarket.

carefree bachelor n. Bloke in a tracksuit, living the Playboy lifestyle and enjoying a breakfast of lager and crisps inWetherspoons.

chagrin n. Slightly embarrassed post- coital smirk. Cheltenham smile n. The most miserable face imaginable; the typical mien of the eponymous Cotswold town’s woebegone flaneurs.

codpiece1. n. Asortofhistorical thong favoured by King Henry VIII and the singer out of Cameo. 2. n. One of Birdseye’s less popular frozen fish products.

3. n. A feminine undergarment with a distinct maritime odour.

‘Please excuse my wife, your worship. She has been watching a George Clooney film and now she needs to change her cod piece.’

cubble n. A way of insulting someone in the vilest possible terms without resorting to the language of the gutter. From cunt + bubble. See also kingbast, funt.

cut and shuteye euph. The pe-

culiar culiar yet yet familiar familiar phenom- phenomenon enon of of falling falling asleep asleep on on the the sofa sofa halfway halfway through through a a BBC4 BBC4 documentary documentary about about French French art, art, the the Agrarian Agrarian Revolution Revolution or or the the architecture architecture of of castles, castles, and and waking waking up up two two hours hours later later half- halfway way through through one one about about UB40, UB40, the the Severn Severn bridge bridge or or Raleigh Raleigh bikes, bikes, with with your your drowsy drowsy brain brain attempting attempting to to link link the the disparate disparate subjects subjects together together and and make make you you think think it’s it’s the the same same programme. programme. dive dive my my brave brave hawk-men! hawk-men! ex- ex

clam. Something Something to to bellow bellow at at the the top top of of your your lungs, lungs, in in the the style style of of shouty shouty crackers crackers thesp thesp Brian Brian Blessed, Blessed, whilst whilst having having a dump.

dolly grip n. Afirm Afirm and and unyield- unyielding ing grasp grasp of of the the hind-quarters; hind-quarters; a a hold hold of of the the sort sort that that a a dodgy dodgy sheep sheep farmer farmer might might employ. employ.

Dutch reach 1. n. Technique Technique that that is is supposed supposed to to stop stop one one from from opening opening one’s one’s car car door door into into a a passing cyclist. 2. n. Some sort of unspeakable act, probably in the final throes of copulation, involving a Stroopwaffle, a bicycle, a pair of wooden shoes, a piece of Gouda, a spliff and a liberal disposition.

Essex gap n. The Toblerone tunnel at the top of a pair of knock-off leggings. The Dart

ford Tunnel. flarting n. To step on a duck in front of a someone you fancy and then give them a cheeky wink. Quite possibly the technique that makes Bryan Ferry such a hit with the fairer sex. From flirting + farting. freckle freshener n. Moist sewer-blocking shite- cloth for buffing the fifties teatowel holder to an effulgent shine. frigorous adv. With regard to

playing the invisible banjo, notably forceful and energetic. Scruggs-style.

geek yoghurt n. The chronic accretion of seminal fluid in a socially inept male’s bedsheets, underwear, socks, curtains etc.

glimpsess n. A female who appears attractive when glanced momentarily, but whose appeal doesn’t hold up at all well under more stringent ocular scrutiny. See also low resolution fox, good from far but far from good, tramp l’oeuil. greggarious adj. Availed of

many pies.

hear ye! hear ye! exclam. A loud ecphonesis, look it up, possibly accompanied by the ringing of a handbell, made prior to dropping an almighty poos headline that the whole marketplace can hear. hipster wank n. An artisan act of onanistic self delight performed over charmingly toss

talgic material such as the bra pages of a Kays or Grattan catalogue from the 1970s or Pan’s People on a BBC4re-run of Top of the Pops. Though not that one where they did Monster Mash.

hole brothers n. Literal translation of the charming Japanese term Anakyōdai, describing two or more men who have had relations with the same lady. Also custard cousins, twatmates, brothers quim. Hull hen party n. A raucous

gaggle of women with lovely

personalities. kecks telescope n. Rigid, highly polished cylindrical apparatus

that that ex- extends tends after after dark dark when when heavenly heavenly bodies bodies hove hove into into view. view. kung kung fu fu farting farting n. n. Making Making ex- exaggerated, aggerated, Bruce Bruce Lee-esque Lee-esque martial martial arts-style arts-style movements movements and and facial facial expressions expressions while while

dropping a gut. gut Kung fu farting requires expert timing, but it can be a little bit frightening.

last chopper out of Saigon, the

euph. The first bus of the day on which pensioners are allowed to travel for free. Lincolnshire poacher 1. n.

Jaunty traditional English folk song that formed the playlist of an eponymous radio station believed to be sending signals to British intelligence agents in the Middle East. 2. n. Type of cheese. 3. n. Man who pursues women with small norks.

lip-syncing n. The best bit of a televised scissor sisters performance.

Lucifer’s waterfall n. Cran

berry dip. manta ray, fanny like a sim. An overly large-winged cludge with a pointed nose poking out the top.

my own right hand shall do it

1. exclam. Sir Walter Scott’s poetic declaration that he wouldpayoffhisdebtsbywrit- would pay off his debts by writing overlong books about kilts, Mel Gibson etc. 2. exclam.

Poetic declaration of how one will remedy an overlong bout of unemployment.

nobbichoc n. A small brown chunk of arse biscuit or clagnut found adhering to one’s

bald-headed hermit following

a fall of soot while sweeping the back chimney. plastic flower, drink like a sim.

When one of your mates is sipping at his pint very slowly. Also known as budgie supping. Playhatch 1. n. A charming hamlet in southern Oxfordshire, boasting a pub that dates from the 16th century. 2. n. The female undercarriage. 3.

n. The wrong ‘un. 4. n. The non-existent gusset in a pair of saucy crotchless dunghampers. plump friction n. A jeggingsclad salad dodger’s thighs rubbing together as she walks to the pie shop, creating enough static electricity to successfully revivify Frankenstein’s monster. Poseidon’s fury n. When giving birth to Meat Loaf’s daughter, an extreme variation on Nep-

tune’s kiss that leaves the victim dripping from the barse.

pull a fast one v. To have a quick, crafty tug, eg. A successful Sherman that is completed from flop to pop and back again during the opening titles of Last Night of the

Proms while furiously thinking about Katie Derham and what she will be wearing that evening. puma 1. n. North American wildcat 2. acronym. An annoying, tailgating driver, generally at the wheel of an Audi. Prick Up MyArse.

reach for the baton euph. After taking a Donald, to grab behind for the toilet roll that you fervently hope is located on top of the cistern. salted caramel 1. n. Ice cream flavour that nobody had heard of five years ago but is now fucking everywhere. 2. n.

Shum, toffee yoghurt. semi-skinned adj. State of a festival goer’s intellect after spending the evening puffing on a meticulously hand-rolled cigarette that contains a crumbled Oxo cube for which he paid the thick end of twenty quid. shanghai 1. n. In darts, hitting all the segments of the same number with three darts, viz. Single, double, and treble. 2. n.

In a Frankie Vaughan presentation, having a woman simultaneously with a prick in all three orifices, viz. Mouth, fanny, and

bum. See also gastight, holy trinity.

Steptoe’s yard, more crap than

sim. Said of a proper Boxing Day stock clearance. telly tuggy n. A jobseeker’s hour-long morning wank over Holly Willoughby.

thank-you for coming to my TED talk exclam. Humorous interjection following the release of a high-minded idea

worth spreading following a five-hour marathon at the local carvery.

they’re playing our tune, darling! exclam. Yet another one of those aphoristic things to say after someone steps on a frog. thorn in my shite euph. A real

pain in the arse. tipsy-turvy adj. Characteristic of a heavily refreshed person’s footing while promenading on

legs like snapped candles. whoopie pie 1. n. Hand-sized cake treat popular in Maine, USA, it says here. 2. n. The wet patch in the bed. ‘No, it’s definitely your turn to sleep in the whoopie pie, mother superior.’