LETTER BOCKS

⬜ I USED to have great sympathy for those orangutans whose rainforest habitat is being destroyed to grow palm oil. But then I discovered that each ape occupies a territory of around 6 square kilometres. This seems awfully excessive to me. Maybe if these orange monkeys got over themselves and downsized a bit, then this whole fuss could be put to bed.

J Crease, Cambridge

⬜ I HONESTLY thought I would struggle to settle in to my new retirement home, but already I have made so many new friends in the TV room, impressing them all with 9-letter words and farts that last the duration of the Countdown clock.

Barry Onions, Saxilby

⬜ MY wife and I very much enjoy the TV programme Call the Midwife. However, we’ve noticed recently that in every single episode, someone has a baby. Come on, writers. Pull your fingers out and think up some different storylines! Stuart Tonks, Kingswinford

⬜ I JUST went for a shit in Asda, but only farted. It’s coming, it’s just a matter of when. I’m just on edge now. Did I send this? It’s been a long day and I’m not sure. Anyway, I’ve got a huge stack of old Viz if anyone wants them. I’ve had to move out out of my flat due to lack of space and I now have to shit in Asda.

Matt Green, Newport

* We’re not quite sure what your letter is about, Matt. To be perfectly frank, you seem a little confused. But if anyone would like Matt’s stack of Viz comics, or can tell him if he’s sent this letter in before, or advise him of the best Asda to have a shit in, write in to the usual address and we’ll pass your letters on.

⬜ I’VE always been dubious about the claim that ‘the only way is Essex’. However, if you accidentally miss your turn off the M25 eastbound and end up joining the queue for the Dartford Crossing like I did last weekend, you’ll find that find that it is in fact very true.

Rob East, Brighton

⬜ THERE have been some harsh words bandied around lately about the England and Australian cricket teams, but credit where credit’s due. They always seem to make it through to the Ashes final. You don’t see anyone else in that final, do you? So come on cricket experts, talk your way out of that one.

John Mason, email

⬜ WHEN I was growing up in the 1980s, before the days of mobile phones, we used to have hours of fun drinking alcopops, throwing stones at cars and swearing at old people. When I tried it again for old time’s sake recently, some bastard granny rang the police and I ended up with a caution. Technology has taken all the innocent fun out of life.

Eginald Flare, Camborne

⬜ “HAIR of the dog” sounds so much better than “have a drink before you get the shakes”. Ben, Whitstable

⬜ IF one of the main reasons we can’t agree with the EU over Brexit is because of the Irish border, why doesn’t Northern Ireland just merge with the Southern bit? They sound pretty similar to me, and their football teams both play in green. Having been next door neighbours for all these years, I think they’d get on like a house on fire. I can’t think why nobody has thought of it before.

Chris Wright, Dirty Leeds

⬜ WHY do so many hinges creak? I can only think it must be a design fault. Come on, door and gate experts, sort it out!

Vernon, Hunstanton

⬜ I FEEL sorry for anyone born in the last couple of years, having to go through life with no Roger Moore around. I suppose they could watch some of his old films, but I wouldn’t bother if I was them.

Adeline Concertina, Littlehampton

⬜ I CAN’T believe that Greggs have given in to nambypambyism and started selling vegan sausage rolls. If anything, they should be putting more meat in their products. I’d like to see them add a big sausage to their cheese and onion savouries and a pound of tripe to every cup of tea.

Fenby Crocker, London

⬜ HOW come when Charlie Brooker writes episodes of Black Mirror telling us again and again that we’re using our phones too much, he gets called a modern-day Diogenes with prescient visions of the future of our screen-addicted society. But when I say the same to my kids I get called a boring old man who doesn’t understand modern culture?

Ben, Whitstable

⬜ I HAVE it on good authority from a total stranger that a well know BBC Television presenter enjoys doing something very peculiar with mashed potato and an ironing board. Unfortunately, a lorry went by just as he said it and I didn’t hear the name of the TV star. However, if it is who I think it is, you only have to look at him to know that my suspicions are well founded. If you send me my £5 winnings for this letter, I will write back with the name of the person I think it is.

T O’Neill, Glasgow

⬜ DOES the current royal family have a chess set with the Queen as the King piece and Prince Philip as the Queen? It would be very confusing to play. Vic Grimes, email

⬜ IF 2 + 2 = 4, why do we ever need to use 2 + 2 any more? Couldn’t we just use 4 all the time? It would certainly save ink, and I’m sure it would work for many other numbers too.

Tim Riley, Stockton on Tees

⬜ WHEN turning on the TV this morning, I noticed that three channels had cooking programmes on and another two were chuntering on about Brexit. Surely it would make sense to have one channel with a combined cooking/Brexit show, thus leaving the other channels free to show other things, like highlights of Rachel Riley.

Rev. Ramsgate, email

⬜ SCIENTISTS are warning that unless human industrial and agricultural practices change, the world’s insect population could collapse entirely within the next century. Well, I for one won’t shed any tears if they do. I got stang off a wasp while playing in the garden when I was about two or three, so as far as I’m concerned they started it. Fuck ‘em.

Craig Scott, East Calder

⬜ HOW come if I look at the clouds and they’re going from left to right, when I turn around and look at the ones behind me, they’re going in the opposite direction? I’d like to see the so-called boffins work THAT one out.

Tom Aspel, Dorking

⬜ WITH all his money, Jeff Bezos is surely proof that male pattern baldness is currently incurable. Hopefully this knowledge will help some of you bald cunts out there save some cash.

Terry Casablanca, Ryton

⬜ BACK in the days before mobile phones and tablets, my dad once read the entire New Testament while sitting on the the toilet in one dodgy-curry-inspired go. I was wondering if any other readers have accomplished any such feats of prodigious defecatory reading, religious or otherwise?

Robert Greenwood, Opio

⬜ IN reply to to T Steel (Letterbocks 283), chickens have neither a fanny nor an arsehole. Chickens have a cloaca, a posterior orifice that serves as the only opening for the digestive, reproductive, and urinary tracts, named after the Latin word for ‘sewer’. Thus they have a large, smelly hole where a multitude of things come in and out of, much like your mother. But it’s neither a fanny nor an arsehole, unlike your father.

Trim McKenna, Surbiton

* Once again, what could have been an interesting and educational letter from Mr McKenna has been spoilt by his levelling crude abuse the editors’ parents, much as he did on the Letterbocks page in issue 279. Viz Comic is a family magazine and will not stand for childish and insulting behaviour from its readers, especially one whose mum we know for a fact makes bukakke porn films under the railway arches in Surbiton, and whose dad wets and shits the bed every night.

⬜ I BOUGHT a chicken and gravy pie the other day and I noticed the box had a ‘serving suggestion,’ which simply featured a picture of the pie with a slice taken out of it. Thanks for that. I’d planned to roll it into a cylinder and shove it up my arse.

Jeff Gusset, Bristol

⬜ YOU may think you are funny taking the piss out of my tan and comb over, but I’ve got billions of dollars and I’ve shagged a porn star. So you can fuck off.

Donald Trump, USA

⬜ THAT World At War series is a bit grim, isn’t it? I think they should have livened it up a bit by adding a swannee whistle when a bomb dropped or some Carry On style sound effects when there was a battle kicking off.

Richard Devereux, Hereford

⬜ APPARENTLY it’s illegal to drive with your car’s interior lights on. Well how else am I supposed to read the betting odds in the newspaper while driving on the motorway at night?

Harry Mutton, Conwy

⬜ WHAT if there is an Afterlife, but instead of being eternal, it only lasts 15 minutes or something. How fucking shit would that be?

Ben Nunn, Caterham

* That’s a very good point, Mr Nunn. Perhaps a vicar could tell us exactly how long the Afterlife is, so that we can all decide whether getting a numb arse sitting in church, not having impure thoughts about your neighbour’s wife, or turning the other cheek when somebody slaps you one, is worth the bother or not.

⬜ I’VE been submitting letters for years now and have had moderate success getting them printed. However, since I raised my game with more intelligent, sophisticated humour about high-brow topics, my “print rate” has practically diminished to zero. Having taken note of the sort of material that is making it onto your Letterbocks page these days, I would like to submit the following entry: I had a big fart and a shit the other day. Both stunk. Then I had a wank. And farted again. Fingers crossed.

John Mason , email

⬜ HOW come we never see any of those pesky double glazing salesmen any more? I used to love slamming the door in their faces after telling them firmly to fuck off. So much, in fact, that ironically, the glass in my front door now needs replacing. Where are those annoying little fuckers when you actually need them?

Torbjorn Gulls, Dover I CAN understand people wishing to follow a vegetarian diet, but what is all this ‘vegan’ nonsense about? I mean, how is it cruel to milk a cow? My Mrs loves having her tits played with and cows have four, so it should be twice as good. As usual, so-called ‘expert’ Chris Packham remains silent on the issue.

Mungo Chutney, Truro

⬜ THEY say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but I found the opposite to be true when I had to visit A&E recently after accidentally sitting on one whilst naked. Seven separate doctors came to take a look, along with half the nursing staff and a full class of students, before the offending fruit was eventually removed. To make matters worse, it sounded like most of them had been on the laughing gas. No wonder the NHS is on its knees.

Stan Plywood,

Derby

⬜ I REFUSED even to look at this so-called Blood Wolf Super Moon. Am I alone in yearning for a more innocent age when we told children that the moon was made of cheese, not blood or wolves? It’s such a pity that everything has to be about sex and violence these days.

Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura

⬜ SOMETIMES, as a parent, you have to be such a hypocrite. When my kids are moaning about school, I always tell them that schooldays are the best days of your life, and they should make the most of them. Obviously that’s bollocks, because the best days of your life are the ones just after leaving school when you can spend all your spare time drinking, shagging and generally doing what you want, until you get married and have kids of your own, after which your life is ruined. But you can’t really tell them that though, can you?

Hampton Ballbags, Goole

⬜ “IF you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen,” they say. Not my kitchen, it’s fucking freezing. Robert Yorke, Glasgow

⬜ IN physics class at school we were taught that when water is poured from a container, air must enter to take up the space. So what happens when you have a piss? Does the air go in your arse or something?

Jack Spratt, Stourbridge

⬜ WHEN you think about it, wiping your arse is quite a skill. You can’t actually see what you’re doing but in my case I get it right 9 times out of 10. Stuie, Bunny

⬜ THE voting panels for the Oscars and Baftas have clearly not been watching the same European short films as I have for the last twenty years before narrowing it down to the final four or five on their shortlist. I can only assume that they must be borrowing them from a different bloke in the pub than I am.

Matt McCann, Tipton

⬜ WHY do we have to have air bags in cars? If it’s to protect us from smashing our faces on the steering wheel, why not simply make the steering wheels out of the same material as the bags?

Billy Whiffles, Croydon

⬜ IT must have been a piece of piss to be a burglar during caveman times. There was no DNA profiling, no fingerprint technology and if a neighbour saw you robbing someone’s cave, they couldn’t even grass you up because there was no coppers. And even if there was, the grasses could probably only grunt the information anyway. Richard Leakey, Tring

⬜ SINCE Americans say fanny instead of arse, when they said “kiss my ass!” surely they should be saying “kiss my fanny!” Come on, Americans, get it right and give us Brits a cheap laugh.

Rupert Rimjob, Airbiscuitshire

⬜ WHAT is Johnny Depp on? In that advert for Au Savauge, he is digging holes in the desert whilst wearing a really nice three-piece suit. Surely, if he has gone to the trouble of buying a shovel from B&Q, he could have easily picked up some bib and brace overalls while he was there? Ulf Bjornsen, Cromer

⬜ WHEN someone says, “…but you’re probably not allowed to say that any more” after some homophobic, racist or sexist remark, it really makes you feel that they’re some sort of rule-breaking rebel, expertly skewering the zeitgeist.

Ben, Whitstable

⬜ I’M not knocking Sherlock Holmes, but I suspect the reason he never accepted a fee for his detective services was because he was signing on. Also, I reckon he kept Dr. Watson close because you never know when you’ll need that all-important sick note when they stick you on Job Seeker’s Allowance.

Stan Moriarty, Leeds

⬜ DOES anyone know if nuns and monks need to poo? I have a mate who reckons he was brought up by orthodox Benedictine monks on a council estate in Wakefield during the miners’ strikes, and he never once saw any of them curl one off.

Tim Buktu, Timbuktu

⬜ ON their hit song Puff the Magic Dragon, Peter, Paul and Mary sang that “a dragon lives forever”. But that Smaug got it with a big arrow in The Battle of the Five Armies, St George slotted one in medieval times and I’m pretty sure Noggin the Nog killed one of the bastards too. Please do your research, 60s bands. Jennifer Juniper, Beyond the Hill

⬜ A LOT of people say that the magic of the FA Cup is dead, but having just got a blow job off a pissed-up Manchester United fan celebrating her team’s victory over Chelsea, I’d say it’s very much alive.

Billy Crumbrush, Tooting

⬜ AFTER a decent win on the nags, I treated myself to a sex robot. I could barely contain my excitement as I unwrapped my new techno lover. But as soon as I ordered my robot to stand on my scrotum with her 6 inch heels whilst I spanked her arse, she replied that, according to Asimov’s 3 laws of robotics: 1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. 2. A robot must obey the orders it is given by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. 3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws. At this stage her tits exploded and I went down the pub.

Dave Care-Centre, Truro

⬜ WHILST recently hunchedover in a Maplins car park, eating a discounted egg-and-cress sandwich, I started thinking that back in the 1950s, Laurence Olivier should have done more films like Richard III, and fewer like The Prince and the Showgirl. Have any of your readers had similar experiences of eating cut-price foods in the car parks of similarly closed corporations while considering the mid-career choices of classically trained actors? Ben, Whitstable

⬜ I SAW an Italian, or possibly a Spaniard on TV the other day talking about some research he was doing into bone cancer... at one of our universities, if you please. Well, good riddence to him come the 29th of March. British bone cancer research jobs for British bone cancer researcher scientists, I say. Hampton Farage, Surrey

⬜ I CAN’T help noticing that these so-called Olympic gold medal-winning ‘sprinters’ are nearly always tall people with long legs. It’s just cheating really.

Jane Hoole Garner, St. Ives

⬜ IN light of the finely knitted dishcloth Charles’s mum knitted in issue 283, I would like to throw one of my mum’s knitted dishcloths into the ring.

Jake Lewis, email * Wow! Your mum certainly seems to be the Queen of the knitted dishcloth, Jake. It certainly blows the frankly pathetic specimen from Charles’s mum out the park. If anyone’s mum knits a better dishcloth than Jake Lewis’s mum, we’d love to see it.

⬜ I FOUND this unexpected consumer feedback on an in-flight menu.

Last Pint Dave, Leeds

⬜ I LIVE in the house that 90s glamour model Jo Guest grew up in. I wonder if I would qualify for a blue plaque so that I can show tourists what a botch job her dad made of the rewiring. Also, I have a shed full of old paint tins if anyone wants some genuine JG memorabilia.

Ian Fitzgerald, Chesterfield

⬜ WHAT ever happened to the Loch Ness monster?

P McPlop, Loch Ness * That’s a very good question, Mr McPlop, people used to spot the thing all the time and now it’s nowhere to be seen. Have any of our readers sighted Nessie recently? And if you managed to take an unconvincing, grainy, clearly doctored photograph of it, send it in.

⬜ THE other day my wife asked me how much I loved her out of ten. I would like to personally thank your previous correspondent on this subject for writing in with the correct answer; it appears that his loss can be everyone else’s gain. I’m sure the shag I got that night was a result of it. For those who missed his letter, the correct answer is ten.

Kent House, Finsbury Park

⬜ WHILST Mr House (above) is clearly pleased with himself for getting a shag for giving the answer ‘10’, had he referenced the famous line from the film Spinal Tap and said ‘11’, he might have got himself a bit of a nosh too.

Hampton Crumbhorn, Tring

A CARROT sliced flat along the bottom and with a slit cut into the top make a perfect holder for guitarists’ plectrums.

David Garston, Henley in Arden

⬜ IN the canteen at work today, I saw a telly program where Janet Street-Porter and a bloke who could have been Hale or Pace out of Hale and Pace walked round the country with a self-professed ‘professional forager’ who never wears shoes. They ate a few flowers and then, literally, hugged a tree. Can any of your readers beat that?

Alex Stokoe, Newcastle-upon-Tyne

* That sounds like a truly dreadful programme, Alex, and it is unlikely our readers could beat it.