BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS “TO BE SETTLED BY MASS BRAWL”
EUROPEAN Council President DONALD TUSK is set to resurrect his former career as a street-fighting hard nut to settle the Brexit negotiations ‘once and for all’ - with a mass brawl in one of Europe’s capital cities. Tusk will lead a crack team of top boys from the continent to take on a combined firm of the best that Britain has to offer. Several Whitehall Casuals, the Civil Service Crew and the Eurostar Intercity Firm are already on board. And rival tasty MPs DOMINIC GRIEVE and JACOB REESMOGG have agreed to put their differences aside and join forces to have a proper dust-up for Britain. The various UK firms plan to gather at a service station on the M4 near Staines on March 29th. They will then travel by coach to Belgium, where they have arranged to meet the EU boys for a ruck on an industrial estate on the outskirts of Brussels, to sort it out all this Brexit nonsense with a good old punch up and a boot in the goolies.
arse
Brexit analysts predict that Tusk will start the engagement
with several obscene chants, which he will direct towards the British boys whilst leaping up and down in an ape-like manner. Upping the ante, he will be met with calls of “Come on Tusky, if you think you’re hard enough”, “You can stick Article 50 up your arse”, and even more extreme chants by the feared ERG, egged on by the Whitehall Krew and the Eton Fop Boys.
One Downing Street bootboy revealed: “We’re expecting a big turnout with plenty of top lads. The Brit boys are all proper tasty and they can stand their ground going mob-handed to the continent,” he said.
“We’ll show up the EU lads for what they are - a bunch of no-good ponces who couldn’t knock the fluff off a cappuccino,” he added.
bollocks
But, Brexit analysts believe that the dust-up won’t be quite the pushover the Brits might be expecting. “Whenever these boys organise a bit of a rumble, the turnout is always lower than expected,” said BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg.
“The last time the boys took a coach up to Edinburgh to sor t out the SNP Firestar ters, Boris Johnson dropped out at the last minute due to a book signing event, and Michael Gove shat it saying he had a bad leg. It was only ex-SAS hardnut David Davis who stopped it being a rout for the Jocks,” she added.
Meawhile, self-styled EU top boy Tusk set the ball rolling by asking Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay: “What size boot does your bollocks take?” when they met at the European Parliament last week.
According to delegates present at the meeting, Barclay was set to kick off, but left it when he saw that Tusk had Michel Barnier, Jean-Claude Juncker and Guy Verhofstadt all pumped up in the room with him.
When the Brit boys return to Parliament after the show- down, it is expected that they will crow to the House about their exploits, boasting about each taking on ten EU Parliamentarians built like brick shithouses, taking an EU pub, and even punching a Belgian Old Bill. In reality, the fight will probably involve them throwing a few plastic chairs, shaking an ambulance with a pensioner inside it, and making a child passing by with her mother cry.