...Jeremy Clarkson

ALEC’S VERDICT: “At nearly 60, petrolhead Clarkson’s been round the clock a few times, and is probably getting a bit too long in the tooth to launch a brand new career in the whip-it-outand-shake-it-round game. And even though his high octane car shows have earned him hundreds of millions of fans around the world, every single one of them is male. Not one amongst his legions of devotees would shell out hard-earned cash to find out how many horsepower Jezza’s’s packing under the hood.

Added to that is the old adage that men who drive big sports cars are compensating for deficiencies in the trouser department - a definite no-no for a wannabe male stripper. But even if the Ferrari-loving Grand Tour motormouth bucks the trend and turns out to be packing a pink stretch limo rather than a bubblecar in his Y-fronts, the ladies in the audience won’t get to see it. Once Clarkson unbuckles his belt and drops his trademark jeans to the floor, his alarming paunche will plummet down like a safety curtain, covering his Top Gear Polar Special from view.

Also, the sight of Jezza’s far-from-toned super-charged flabdomen might put the punters in the crowd off their Lambrusco. As any male stripper will tell you, if the bar takings go down, you can kiss goodbye to any chance of a repeat booking. Not only that, if the post-show sandwiches laid on by the management fail to meet his expectations, he could easily lash out, and then it’d be left to me - his agent - to sort out the mess.

All things considered, taking an old banger like Clarkson onto my books would be a plan that might very well backfire.”

Alec’s Full Monty Rating: 3/10