...Peter Ebdon
ALEC’S VERDICT: “Any exotic dancer that signs up to Seedy Promotions Inc. must to be limber and lithe - able to contort his naked body into mindbending positions that will get female pulses racing. And whether he knows it or not, exWorld Snooker Champion Ebdon has been practising these sort of postures his whole career. From acrobatically cocking his leg up for a long pot, to perching coquettishly on the edge of the table for a tricky pink, the 48-year-old cue ace has unwittingly mastered the exact kind of naughty, nimble poses that get my crowds going.
Employing Ebdon would also save me the thick end of fifteen quid on my costume budget, as he already possesses the requisite stripper outfit of snazzy waistcoat and dapper bow tie.
And while snooker is notorious for its chainsmoking, hard-drinking antics, Ebdon is famously a staunch vegan, which means his body will be in tip-top shape without an inch of flab on it. However, this dairy-shunning lifestyle could also pose problems. As my regular punters will tell you, the highlight of any Alec Seedy strip show is towards the end of the night, when my lads spray blobs of whipped cream over their toned six-packs and then invite the birthday girl, bride-tobe or retiree up on stage to lick them off. As a vegan, Ebdon would doubtless refuse to have any sort of animal produce spread across his naked, oiled torso. And whilst he may suggest a plant-based alternative, such as thickened soy milk or silken tofu, it would be bad for business to have a paying customer gagging and retching on stage.
In short, I could most certainly help Pete get his ‘Big Break’ in the male stripping game, but he’d have to re-evaluate his lifestyle choices.”