Roger’s PROFANISAURUS
The latest Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity
angel’s delight n. Female beef dripping prior to a bout of how’s your father. Also bird’s custard. anger farmer n. A social media smallholder who cultivates gammon for a living. anus calling! phr. Said brightly when suddenly gripped by an urge to drop a big load of shopping. From the formerly popular make-up catalogue slogan, viz. “Ding dong! Anus calling!” bag of spinach n. A membrum virile which, immediately upon being exposed to warmth and moisture, wilts dramatically. ‘Come on, Terry. I’m dripping like a gravel lorry at the lights here.’ ‘Sorry June, I’ve got a bag of spinach again.’ bean grinder 1. n. Motorised device frequently used by busy baristas. 2. n. Motorised device frequently used by busy spinsters. Also known as a battery flattener. bellegend n. A legendary bellend. From bellend + legend. ‘Today’s birthdays: Bradley Walsh, low rent polymath, 1960; Christopher Cockerell, hovercraftsman, 1910; Russell Brand, bellegend, 1975.’ bishop’s move n. Pissing diagonally from one pub urinal into an adjacent one, in the style of chess grandmaster Gary Kasparov when he goes for a piss. black gates, the 1. n. In The Lord Of The Rings, the entrance to the Land of Mordor where the evil forces of the dark Lord Sauron reside, or some such bollocks. 2. n. A Guinness drinker’s arsehole on a Saturday morning. blitzkrieg plop n. A full rectal assault on the porcelain, characterized by the deployment of short, fast, powerful bursts of locally concentrated firepower. Brexit Arms n. Wetherspoons. bumbay mix n. Unappetising array of small, brown, dry objects despatched from the back passage when either ill, severely hungover, or both. butt chuckle n. A tittersome
rump rasp. catchment area 1. n. The geographical radius from which a hospital’s patients or a school’s pupils are drawn. 2. n. The region throughout which an Exchange and Mart can be smelled. ‘Please accept my apologies in advance, your majesty. I think you may have inadvertently strayed within my catchment area.’ channy n. The lower mandibular adornment sported by many a modern male who cannot be bothered to shave. From chin + fanny. chaser n. Shortly after having carnival knowledge of a lady, a fellow’s self-pulled hand shandy in the shower to thoroughly void his clockweights. ciderdown n. Warming effects brought on by drinking a surfeit of apple-based pop prior to retiring for a cosy night’s kip in the park. Also known as an electric lemonade blanket. devil’s revels n. Small brown morsels of faecal matter with a motley variety of fillings. dog fat euph. Puppy fat that has
reached maturity. garden bridge 1. n. Tragically cancelled scheme to build a prestigious new river crossing for the oft-neglected town of London, which somehow ran up a £43 million bill in return for a couple of fanciful artist’s impressions and a swish logo. 2. n. An hirsute taint. great wall of china n. A row of Victorian urinals that is visible from space. gruds n. Underpants. ‘Do you want me to fetch you owt while I’m at the shops, Kanye?’ ‘Aye Kim. Can you get us another pair of Calvin Klein gruds? The elastic’s gone in these.’ he must be taking a run-up phr. Jocosely optimistic assessment when a once urgent turtle’s head inexplicably retreats back up the bumhole. inbreastigate v. To search out and examine the particulars of a subject. ‘What are you looking at, love?’‘I’m just inbreastigating the actress Alex Kingston on Google Images, dear.’ I stink therefore I am exclam. A deeply profound Cartesian philosophical adumbration, to be uttered as an angst-ridden existential reflection on the eternal plight of man, immediately following a botty burp. King Tut’s ballsack, a liver like sim. The hepatic organ of a chap who likes to sip the occasional sweet sherry of an evening. ‘I’m afraid it’s not good news, Mr Best. We’ve had a look at your latest scans and, without bamboozling you by using too much medical terminology, you’ve got a liver like King Tut’s ballsack.’ la tristesse durera 1. n. Not at all pretentious title of a song by the Manic Street Preachers. 2. n. A despairing Tony Hart that goes “from a scream to a sigh.” Laura Kuenssberg’s husband, wrist muscles like sim. Said of a gentleman whose wife is seemingly never at home, and thus has particularly well developed forearms. ‘Next up on Indoor League is arm wrestling, and Andy Devey is taking on the undefeated champion Bill Richardson in the final. It’s going to be a close match, because both these lads have been training hard and have wrist muscles like Laura Kuenssberg’s husband. Ah’ll see thee in part two.’ leave a message for Ray Mears v. To have a shit in the woods, behind a bush in the park, on a golf course etc. let the dog out v. To go for a really big, urgent Donald Trump. ‘Sorry I’m late, only I had to let the dog out. Anyway, I’m here now, so let’s play Popmaster.’ Logan’s run n. A particularly aggressive fist of fury that produces a telltale red mark on the palm of the hand. log on v. To park one’s breakfast on any suitable horizontal surface, for example the boss’s desk after winning the lottery. lord of the fries n. A morbidly
corpulent chip shop regular. memory foam n. Viscous fluid found on the mattress after a nostalgia-inspired bout of self indulgence. mental elf n. A small, aggressive person. Also known as a pub terrier.
miser’s zoo n. Retail park mainstay Pets at Home; a chain of stores which inexplicably seem to remain profitable despite being visited principally by fathers bringing their young children to look at the animals while their wives pop into the shop next door to take back or exchange something. The pet shop was also referred to as the cheap zoo in Flight of the Conchords. mugshot n. A generous and warming faceful of hot’n’sour bollock broth. nipflix n. Small pieces of shit that flick up and adhere to the toilet wall during a vigorous arse wipe. ‘You’ll have to use your nails to get them nipflix off there, love.’ nun’s clit, clean as a sim. Descriptive of something that is vigorously and repeatedly washed on a regular basis, but rarely if ever used. ‘You’ll not find a better Harley Davidson Fat Boy Milwaukee Eight on the market, mate. I’ve had it
three years and it’s only done six miles from new, and that’s moving it in and out of the garage to polish it. Honestly, it’s as clean as a nun’s clit.’ one shit wonder n. A very long, unbroken poo . An earthing cable, monolog, bridger or tallboy. organ recital n. The competitive discussion of symptoms that begins within minutes of two women meeting. outpouring of grief 1. n. Communal expression of sadness in the wake of a tragic event, such as a natural disaster, the death of Lady Di or KFC running out of chicken. 2. n. A torrent of boiling hot shite that leaves the ordinary person in the street bereft and sobbing. ovary action n. A tampremental female response to perfectly reasonable male behaviour. See also showing off, period drama. paper scraper n. An apple tart so pungent that it can remove wallpaper and leave it in tiny pieces on the floor. piebald 1. adj. Of a horse, white with black patches. 2. adj. Of a lady, in possession of a wellmanicured front lawn. plead the duke euph. To claim that “the sun was low in the sky” as an excuse for your cunt-witted behaviour. podium finish n. To put a thumb over the hog’s eye to make your jaff go further, like what race-winning Formula 1 racing drivers do. When they are having a wank. resting Gazette face n. Cheerless mien traditionally worn, in photographs featured in popular Teesside newspaper The Evening Gazette, by members of the public who have suffered some form of mild injustice, eg. Changed wheelie bin collection schedules, newly imposed resident parking restrictions, or local youths on mopeds using their street as a bloody racetrack. May or may not be accompanied by folded arms. ringwear 1. n. Damage or scuffing from handling a record sleeve that reduces its value in the vinyl marketplace, unless you want to buy it rather than sell it. 2. n. Signs of wear and tear on the wrong ’un. runner’s special n. A post-exercise crap-up feast of bangers and mash served with extra gravy in a special porcelain pot. running in flip-flops n. Sound heard when sprinting to the finish of a horizontal jog; the booty clap. sharp intake of breadth phr. A phenomenon prevalent amongst rotund middle-aged men, the art of sucking in the beergut when spying an attractive member of the opposite sex. some viewers may find this distressing 1. exclam. Content warning given before a hard-hitting TV documentary, drama, or Christmas episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys. 2. exclam. Hilarious pre-guff exclamation delivered in the style of an earnest continuity announcer. songs from the big chair 1. n. Title of a 1985 album by curly-haired Bath songsmiths Tears for Fears. 2. n. A pocket frog chorus of tuneful anthems released while sat on the bum sink. stingpiece n. A chocolate starfish suffering the piquantly calefacient consequences of a phaal or similarly spicy curry that was ill-advisedly consumed the previous evening. street food n. Appetising Sunday morning gallimaufry prepared on the pavement specially for hungry pigeons by the previous evening’s revellers. tomorrow’s shit n. Food. ‘Tomorrow’s shit, glorious tomorrow’s shit! Hot sausage and mustard. Who wouldn’t like a bit, of plum pudding and custard?’(Lyrics from the musical Oliver! by Lionel Bart). trouser butter n. Spunk. ‘I don’t know what the blob of yellow is on my thigh, vicar. Perhaps it’s some trouser butter that dripped off my toast.’ truncheon voucher n. A porking ticket issued the missus in lieu of a present. Wenlock n. An episode of extreme but temporary flatulence, as described in his poem On Wenlock Edge by AE Housman: “The gale, it plies the saplings double, It blows so hard, ‘twill soon be gone.” Don’t say we never give you no fucking culture. womoaning n. Ladies’ equivalent of mansplaining. would you like to gift aid that? exclam. rhet. Another post-air biscuit saying. See also what year is it? Who’s the president? zombie ashopolypse n. A mindnumbing afternoon trailing after the bag for life round the retail park, where all the blokes are stumbling about with blank, empty expressions as if their souls have been sucked out of them.