LETTER ROCKS
I’VE just noticed that if you take the first three letters of the word ‘banana’ and add them to the last five letters of ‘toffee’, you get the word ‘Banoffee’. Astonishingly, banana and toffee are the two main ingredients in Banoffee Pie! Do I get a Viz pen for pointing out this incredible coincidence?
Brian Oliver, email
“DO Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” asked sci-fi author Phillip K Dick. Well, no, but they might count them in order to get to sleep. Come on mate, think it through. Philip K. Dickhead more like.
James Thompson, London
I’VE been trying to shag the barmaid in my local boozer for ages with no success. I’ve tried praying, but I’ve realised that with seven billion people on earth praying for world peace, an end to hunger and all that shit, my prayer was hardly going to go to the top of His inbox. I was just wondering if everybody could just stop praying between 7 and 8 next Tuesday, which is darts night in my local, and it might give my prayer a fighting chance.
Jimmy Murphy, Clonmel
I DON’T know why Tesco label some of their apples as ‘Baking Apples.’ It’s none of their business what I do with the apples once I’ve bought them, so enough of the Big Brother shit I say. In fact, just for that I might fry the fuckers instead. How do you like those apples?
Crompton Delaware, Hove
‘THERE’S no such thing as a stupid question’ or so the saying goes. Well “What’s been taken out of leaded petrol to make it unleaded?” sounded pretty fucking stupid to me. And that was back in 1989 when I was ten.
Larry McAdler, Bedford
HOW come there are never any working class James Bonds? Personally, I can see Les Battersby off Coronation Street as a prime candidate. Imagine Les in his donkey jacket, refusing Ernst Blofeld’s offer of a Martini, shaken not stirred, and opting for a pint of Newton & Ridley’s best bitter instead? If that wouldn’t give the super-villain a total mind fuck, I don’t know what would.
Chubby Brocolli, Leeds
PEOPLE always criticise the so-called “white van man,” but today I saw one of them kindly leaving an old sofa on a countryside footpath. As a keen hiker, I know how nice it is to have somewhere to put your feet up when you’re tired. So credit where it’s due.
Hector Bolweavil, Derby
I AM meeting a friend for coffee today at 4.30pm, but unfortunately my watch battery ran out yesterday. Luckily, the watch stopped at 4.25pm and it’s a five minute walk to the cafe, so I should arrive bang on time.
Gareth Price, Portland
REGARDING Channel 4’s Naked Attraction, I notice that when the male contestant is given the bum’s rush and is spun round at approximately 5 revolutions per second, his wedding tackle remains stationary and more or less vertical. I know he’s not actually spinning and it’s done with computer wizardry, but as CGI prides itself on realism, the bell-end should swing out like a yardarm due to the influence of centrifugal forces, especially on blokes who have knobs like draught excluders.
Dave Kelly, Bolton
IT really makes me laugh whenever I see a love scene on TV or in films, as the women always overact big time. All that moaning and groaning is right over the top in my book and just shows their inadequacy as actresses. My wife doesn’t make a single sound, and she’s never been to drama school.
Stan Duckbutter, Glossop
I JUST had a great idea for an invention. Basically it would be a box with a big dial in the middle. On the left would be a symbol for snow, in the middle one for clouds and rain, and on the right, one for the sun. Then you would simply turn the dial to whatever kind of weather you would like to see that day. If that isn’t a billion dollar idea, I don’t know what is.
Tim Briffa, London
I’VE just been to Worcester and I saw a van for “Steve’s Rubbish Removals”. Now I’m no expert on marketing, but surely “Steve’s Fantastic Removals” would be a much better advert for his business. Adrian Newth, Stratford upon Avon
WHEN I told a woman at work that she didn’t have great tits, they hauled me into the office. The next day I apologised and told her she had smashing tits, and again I got a bollocking. Come on you women’s libbers out there, make your minds up.
Hector Ballsack, Devizes
THEY say no man is an island. But what about that John Ireland who played the gladiator Crixus opposite Kirk Douglas in Spartacus?
I wonder how the “so-called” experts will try to wriggle out of that one.
Barrington Normal, London
IS it just me or are those new Dyson Airblades a big con? Rather than drying, I find they simply blow and spray my piss absolutely everywhere. Personally, I don’t know what was wrong with the old-fashioned trough urinal. This is one invention, Sir James, that we just didn’t need.Mark
I’VE never seen any character in EastEnders stub a toe on a chair, then scream at the chair, calling it a cunt. But then again I don’t watch EastEnders.
Ian Webb, Bury St Edmunds
AVOID embarrassing silences in crowded elevators by farting loudly. Charlie Moon, Birmingham
CONVINCE people taking the escalator up from the subway that it is raining outside by pouring a bucket of water over your head before you go down the escalator. The look on their faces as they exit onto the street and see that it isn’t raining! David Scroggs, South Korea
LISTENING to music from the last 40 years, I can think of dozens of songs which reference drugs in some way. Bizarrely, very few hits make any mention of hummus, despite its emergence as the dip of choice on many dinner tables.
Geoffrey Spleen, Ipswich
STAR Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is by far my favourite Star Trek film, especially the bit where Spock sacrifices his own life to save everyone on board from the Genesis Wave. Now I can’t help thinking that if RMS Titanic had had someone as selfless as the Vulcan on board back in 1912, then nearly two thousand folk might have been saved that night.
Inga Hobbs, Glastonbury
I REALLY think the only way to get back at the vegans is to make meat look like vegetables; black pudding could be fashioned to look like aubergines, for example, or chicken legs could be dyed to resemble butternut squashes. I’ve written to you on this subject several times and repeatedly not printing my letters is no way for a responsible publication to tackle the issue.
Walt Beef-Sandwich, Helston
THE candidates on The Apprentice have it far too easy in my opinion. When my mate Deggy became an apprentice, him and four other 16-year-olds were wrapped up in cling film, chucked in a two-ton skip and had a shit load of fireworks chucked at them on their first day. And he didn’t get £250,000 at the end of it either, let me tell you.
W Cowell, Wrexham
IN the song So Hard, The Pet Shop Boys sing, “We’ve both given up smoking... so whose matches are those?” May I suggest that if the partner in question is anything like mine, they could be innocently using the matches to drown out the putrid smell from an enormous turd, and in future, Neil Tennant should consider this before making any rash insinuations.
David Craik, Hull
CONVINCE other residents in your old folks’ home that you survived the Titanic sinking by putting a fish in your top pocket and spitting out water.
Spencer Fiddaman, Birmingham
DRIVERS . In foggy weather, save wear and tear on your fog lamp bulb by simply driving with your left foot resting gently on the brake pedal. David Craik, Hull
SINCE being made unemployed from the local dogfood factory, I’ve become a freelance leek slasher. I’d like to remind readers that this is a busy time of year for leek slashing and that they should book early. I can also slash your rivals’ giant onions and beetroots, but Nitromors on carrots is extra.
Neil Johnson, Durham
IT has come to my attention that Operation “Yellowhammer” is actually an anagram of “Orwell Mayhem. ” But I’m sure that’s just an innocent coincidence being spun into a conspiracy by the crazed Brexit-hating leftie liberal mainstream media ghouls.
A Tunc, Scunthorpe
STATISTICS show that the team winning the coin toss in test cricket only lose the match 31% of the time. Given the foregone conclusion in the other 69% of matches, why do they bother playing them at all? I’m sure the players would prefer to stay at home and watch telly instead of standing around in a field doing nothing for five days.
John Kilo, Bellingen
MANY American states use Lethal Injection as the preferred method for executing murderers, but as many people are not keen on needles this does seem rather cruel. Perhaps it would be more humane to borrow from smoking cessation technology, and use a “lethal injection patch” to gently deliver a dose of deadly poisons into the condemned person’s bloodstream over several months. Of course, this would also require a certain amount of willpower. It would be no good if the inmates were to give up being executed and rip the patch off after only a few weeks.
David Plums, Berkshire
IT’S always depressing when there are roadworks, and you see a sign that says “Stop when lights on red.” Surely it would be more positive and uplifting if the sign read “Don’t stop when lights on green.” Come on you local councils, let’s have a bit more of the ‘glass half full’ attitude.
Bartram Golightly, Cardiff
YESTERDAY I was the victim of a baffling misfortune. Whilst doing the washing up, I accidentally got my shirt sleeve wet. Initially I shrugged it off as just one of those things. However, my blood ran cold when my wife reminded me of the date - Friday the 13th. Coincidence? I think not.
Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura
Simon Hoffmann, Chichester
AFTER eating Penguin biscuits for some 35 years, it suddenly dawned on me today that they are just big Bourbon creams covered in chocolate. Fuck me! Talk about slow.
Graham Flintoft, Gatesheed
I WAS wondering whose job it is to decide when light engineering becomes heavy engineering. I’m not an engineer, but I would imagine if one engineer can pick up the things he needs to engineer, it’s light engineering, but if he needs another engineer to help him pick them up, then its heavy engineering. That sounds logical to me, but as I say, I’m not an engineer.
Terry Farricker, Blackpool