LETTER BOOKS

Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ

⬜ WHY is it that whenever we see James Bond in a casino he is always at a card table, playing for high stakes against his nemesis? Doesn’t he ever fancy having a go on the slot machines for a change? For starters, he wouldn’t have to get all dressed up, and he would be less likely to piss off some super-villain and get his bollocks burnt off with a laser beam. Unless Mr Blofeld or whoever had been shovelling money into the bandit all night, only for Bond to drop the jackpot on his first pull.

Hector Dolittle, Godalming

⬜ ONE of my goldfish has an uncrimped turd twice his own body length trailing from his arse. In human terms, that’s the equivalent of roughly 12 feet of continuous shit being dragged around. I think we underestimate fish.

Peter Busby, Australia

⬜ AN American psychic has predicted that Megan Markle might be pregnant again by the end of this year. Which, I suppose, is also predicting that she might not be. In which case, she’ll be spot on. Spooky.

Terry Hennessey, Luton

⬜ THEY say that plastic takes millions of years to decompose, but I bought a cheap nylon canopy for my garden swing off Amazon last summer and the thing has already fallen to bits. Come on, boffins, which is it?

Odd Skodheim, Nottingham

⬜ I DON’T know why Cockneys use the phrase “sweet as a nut”. I had a packet of peanuts last night, and they weren’t sweet at all. If anything, they were quite salty.

Helmut Cheese, Goole

⬜ WITH football clubs going to the wall left, right and centre, some of the struggling, lower division teams could do with tightening their purse strings a little. Instead of buying batteries for those expensive electronic TAG Heuer signs that they hold up when they make substitutions during a game, they could just write the number off the subbed player on a bit of cardboard with a magic marker. All those mini-bus drivers at airport arrivals halls seem to manage alright doing that.

Jules Percoulomb, Tadcaster

⬜ WE are told in the Bible that when Samson got all his hair cut off, he lost all his strength and wasn’t even tough any more. However, most of the bouncers I see outside clubs have heads like billiard balls, and they’re supposed to be nails. Either the Bible was lying or bald doormen are a bunch of softarses masquerading as hard men.

Newton Spermetre, Squared

⬜ ON police shows, I don’t know why the chief always says, “You’ve got twenty-four hours to crack this case.” Surely it would be more realistic if they told them to crack it by “a week on Tuesday” or “the weekend after next.” When my lawnmower got nicked out of my shed recently, the fuckers didn’t even show up for a fortnight.

Miles Perhour,

⬜ I SAW a clip fromDerby Sky’s Ross Kemp On Gangs the other night, where he was squaring up to a load of heavily armed cocaine traffickers in the jungles of South America. It was genuinely the hardest thing I’ve ever seen. Then I read that he got beaten up and hospitalised by his missus, Rebekkah Wade. Jesus, she must be fucking rock.

Rev J Foucault, Truro

⬜ I SAW on the news that hundreds of thousands of people turned out for the funeral of assassinated Iranian General Qassem Soleimani. I don’t know much about him, to be perfectly honest, but he must have been a top bloke to get that kind of turnout. My old grandad was chairman of our local British Legion for 40 years, and even he only got about 70 or 80 turn up.

Barry Trollbridge, Hampshire

⬜ I FELT badly let down by Sir David Attenborough the other night, when he was marvelling at some species of insect that spits at its predator during an attack. Well, I don’t know about him, but I’ve always found spitting to be a disgusting habit and nothing to be applauded. And my kids were watching too. Bad show, Sir David.

Sally Cheesewhistle, Crewe

⬜ COULD I use your pages to let a certain somebody to know that I’m regularly masturbating whilst thinking about their mother? You know who you are. And if you don’t pay me the £20 you owe me, I’ll carry on doing it, and even coerce your two sisters into the fantasy.

Mark, Grimsby

⬜ I MADE a resolution this year to cut down some big old trees and replace them with new, modern, space-saving, energy-efficient saplings. We all have to do our bit.

Micky Bullock, London

⬜ I’M no ecologist, but rather than people moaning about the deforestation of the Amazon, perhaps if they started planting a few of those Leylandii trees to even up the balance, then there wouldn’t be a problem. My neighbour put some in and those fuckers shoot up like a fucking rocket.

Bartram Twelves, Leicester

⬜ WHY is it that Cambridge students of old always had foppish hair? My grandad never went to Cambridge and he had to make do with a short back and sides all his life. He was a miner and never once spied for the Russians, so once again there’s one rule us and another for the rest of them with their foppish hair.

Stanley Golightly, Ingoldmells

⬜ I THINK that skidmarks in a toilet prove God’s existence. If you asked a chemical engineer to take any foods and drinks they liked, mix them with some hydrochloric acid and create a substance which sticks to smooth porcelain underwater, they would rightly tell you it’s not possible. Suck on that, atheists.

Greg Shaw, Leeds

⬜ MY dog lets some real humdingers off, but at no point have I ever actually heard her fart. I did hear a horse break wind once whilst out walking, but none of the other horses in the field laughed, so it was pretty pointless.

Chad Flaps, Chesham

⬜ WHEN I’m in the doctor’s waiting room, I like to pretend I’m a contestant on The Price is Right. When my name is called out, I firstly look very surprised, then immediately jump up, waving my hands in the air and screaming enthusiastically as I trot off towards the surgery.

Tony Claassen, Nottingham