BE MY ALAN-TINE!

WE all love Valentine's Day, and celebrities called Alan – or some variation on Alan – are presumably no different. We phoned our four favourite A-List Alans to ask them one simple question: What was YOUR most memorable Valentine's Day?

ALAN DAVIES

LUG-MUNCHING FUNNYMAN

I’M KNOWN for my alleged love of ear chomping, so my most memorable Valentine’s was a few years back, when the wife surprised me with a slap-up, aural-organbased romantic dinner for two! We went to Heston Blumenthal’s wacky ‘Fat Duck’ restaurant, where Heston had prepared us a sumptuously lugcentric set menu. We had cheetah ear lobe soup to start, followed by dolphin pinna casserole and elephant lug cheesecake for pud. Then it was straight back home for a bit of telly and penetrative sex. That evening will take some beating, I can tell you!

ALAN GREENSPAN

EX-CHIEF OF THE US FEDERAL RESERVE

I DON’T buy into Valentine’s Day at all. I think it’s a load of baloney. It’s just a half-baked, hollow, corporate ruse invented by multinational greetings card companies to help them shift their tacky product, whilst soullessly commercialising the abstract concept of love. That said, I did get a cracking blowie off the wife last year when I came home with a box of Ferrero Rocher. So, I’ll probably end up picking up some Revels or something this year on the offchance there’s another nosh in it.

ALAN TITCHMARSH

YORKSHIRE GARDENER

AS A best-selling erotic novelist, February 14th is a hugely important day for me, as it’s where I get the inspiration for all the steamy bits in my books. I’ll usually cook the wife a lovely candlelit dinner, and then we’ll take the phone off the hook, put on some romantic music and get down to the old penetrative intercourse. I’ll narrate what’s happening into my Dictaphone as we go, so it can then be transcribed and pasted directly into my next novel. The wife’s not massively keen on this aspect of the evening, but I’m very much a “write what you know” kind of author, so she just has to lump it.

ALAIN DE BOTTON

SLAP-HEADED PHILOSOPHER

AS THE celebrated author of the book ‘Essays in Love ’,I spend quite enough time thinking about romance during my working hours. As such, I can’t usually be arsed with Valentine’s Day. Truth be told, my most memorable February 14th was probably a few years back, in 2009. The missus was away, so I had the place to myself, and I binge-watched a shit load of old Lewis re-runs on UK Gold, then had a takeout curry and a wank. Bliss!