Pierce Dorgan
Vegans - Get off your High Horses (and eat them!)
Last year, when Greggs launched their vegan sausage roll, I ate one of them on my extremely popular tVaM show, and I vomited on air. that’s how bad it was to not be eating meat.
But it now it seems that Greggs are not content with making me throw up once. They are determined to do it again, and to do so they have launched a “steak bake” with no steak in it!
As I said to Mats Wilander (the famous tennis professional who won seven Grand Slams in the Singles, and a Doubles Grand Slam with Joakim Nystrom - who isn’t very well known so I don’t count him amongst my close, personal friends) the other night at the Noma restaurant in Copenhagen (where I can get a seat any time I want, even though anybody else couldn’t get a reservation for years- that’s how fancy it is. And most of you reading this article couldn’t imagine how expensive it is, and that’s if you don’t have a starter or a pudding. And the portions are really small), “When are people going to realise that humans are carnivorous animals?”
“Yes, Piers,” said my close friend Scarlet Johannsen, who was dining with us, sitting between two of my other very close friends Phil “The Power” Taylor and Martin Amis .“We have canine teeth, designed for chewing and tearing flesh. So you’re right, Piers, and vegetarians are wrong.”
A round applause for me broke out from my close friends around the table, including Barry White, Sandi Toksvig, George Clooney, Warwick Davies, Richard E Grant, Emerson Fittipaldi, Thieri Henry, Werner Fassbender, Richard Dawkins, Felicity Kendal and Idris Elba. Of course, I knew I was right, but it was nice to have my brilliance acknowledged by so many of my dear, famous and rich, close, personal friends who I do know.
I tried to hush them, but one by one they rose from their seats to give me a rousing standing ovation. However, one member of the party was not joining in with the applause, which by this time had turned into wild, cheering support for my outspoken, anti-vegan-pastie stance. I looked across at the still, silent figure, who was sitting between William Shatner and US President Donald Trump (on the other side of the table from Robbie Williams, Joan Bakewell, Sir Ian McKellen and Mick McManus).
“You’re forgetting that human jaws go side to side like a herbivore or a ruminant,” she lied. Immediately, the cheering stopped and all eyes - including those of Julie Goodyear, Funkadelic’s George Clinton and Professor Sir John Curtice - turned to see who was speaking.
It was my former close friend Meghan Markle, the so-called Duchess of Sussex, who had broken the hearts of my close friend Her Majesty the Queen, together with those of the British public, and - worse of all - myself with her twofaced duplicitousness.
I summoned the Maitre d’, who immediately escorted Meghan from the premises, and everybody started chanting my name, including Fred Dinenage, Mo Salah, Mo Farah, Michael Fish, Buzz Aldrin and Ted Rogers’s 3-2-1 sidekick Dusty Bin.