TONY PARSEHOLE

Why Mr Derek was the True Basil Brush Sidekick of Hearts

WHEN my editor rang me up and broke the tragic news that Basil Brush’s Mr Derek had died, I wept.

When he told me I had just half an hour to churn out 500 words about him, I wept and I wept and I wept.

And I am not ashamed to admit that I shed those tears about the sad passing of Derek (subs look up surname) at the age of just (subs look up how old when died).

All of us who grew up in the past remember him as the man who sat beside Basil Brush.

The man who tried to read stories to Basil Brush.

And yes, as the man who loved Basil Brush.

However, there was more to this actor than cavorting with a puppet fox on children’s TV.

For Derek (surname here) was an accomplished actor, who appeared in many programmes.

Many different programmes.

Sundry miscellaneous programmes.

Programmes that I do know, but I’m not going to write them here because they are too numerous to mention.

Programmes on the BBC. Which is technically one word, but stands for the British Broadcasting Company, which is three words.

Four words if you include the “the.”

Programmes on ITV, which is one word. But it stands for International Telly Vision. Although it should probably just be two words, as the word “television” is just one word.

How many words is that? 242. Fuck, I’m not even halfway through this.

I am now. I just checked, and “am” was the 250th word. So I’m in the home stretch.

And when I heard that Mr Derek had passed on, (which means the same as “died,” but is two words instead of one. In fact, I should have put “passed to the other side,” which is 5 words), a part of my childhood passed to the other side with him.

Because I grew up with Basil Brush. And Camberwick Green, and Chigley, and Trumpton.

And Noggin the Nogg. And that other one the same bloke did. Ivor the Engine.

Do you remember Mr Benn? That was good. And Hector’s House.

What about that really weird Singing Ring Tree with the midget and the singing fish. I never liked that. It used to make me wet the bed.

And what about that thing, what was it called, Fingerbobs? And Bagpuss, remember Bagpuss?

Mary, Mungo and Midge. And Joe 90. He was good. He had glasses.

How many’s that? 415.

Captain Pugwash, the Magic Roundabout. Remember that? The dog, Dougal. Florence, Brian the Snail.

There was a cow in it. Had a flower in its mouth, and a hat. Oh fuck, what was it called?

Erm!

Fuck it! I’m going to google it.

Ermintrude, I just googled it. Apparently it was Emma Thompson’s dad doing the voice.

Roobarb and Custard, that was another one.

Remember Deputy Dawg? And what was that thing with the kids and the tramp who lived in the water tank, and he had a toad, and he was like a wizard?

I think it was called there thats 500 words. inv enc.