HOUSES OF STAR-LIAMENT
We team up with top spin doctor to select A-List UK cabinet
IF there’s one thing all Brits can agree on in these times of national discord, it’s this: our politicians have FAILED us.
Brexit is finally done, with just the simple formality of our future relationship with the EU now left to negotiate. But it has taken our politicians three-and-a-half years to sort it out. In that time, our socalled ‘democratically elected representatives’ have been shillyshallying, dilly-dallying and wibblewobbling in their Westminster bubble, while our hard-earned taxes pay for their lavish expenses.
Across the pond, however, it’s a different story. Despite having ZERO political experience, reality TV fave DONALD TRUMP is currently playing a blinder as US president, making America greater, safer and less of a laughing stock than it’s ever been. And The Donald is just the latest in a long line of US celebs-turned-iconic-politicians, following the likes of ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, RONALD REAGAN and CLINT EASTWOOD.
Put simply, it seems that when it comes to governing the masses, the showbiz stars are our best bet. Which is why we’ve teamed up with top political spin doctor RONNIE GOOSEFAT to put together a hypothetical dreamteam parliamentary cabinet... made up exclusively of A-List icons!
Thrice-divorced Goosefat – selfdubbed the ‘Machiavelli of Macclesfield’ – has personally liaised with such highflying government bigwigs as BORIS JOHNSON, JEREMY CORBYN, TOMMY ROBINSON and more.
“I freelance as a top-level political strategist and campaign director,” says technically unemployed Ronnie. “In the past few weeks alone, I’ve @-ed most of the main politicians on Twitter to provide my expert counsel on everything from immigration and Brexit to climate change and immigration again. Just like my fellow spin doctors Dominic Cummings and Alastair Campbell, I shoot from the hip and don’t pull my punches – so my advice can be colourful to say the least!”
A Twitter glitch has recently seen Goosefat ‘blocked’ or ‘muted’ by most of the politicians he works with, so we asked him to use his downtime to cherry-pick us a dream showbiz front bench. “The political elite has ruled for too long,” confirms 30-stone Ronnie. “When I come to power as Chief Special Advisor to the next PM, these are the A-List idols I’ll want to have toeing the party line...”